curious

I feel like I'm in a position of needing to acquire knowledge that I'm not sure I know how to get. My (limited) exposure tends to suggest that it's structural, and cannot, perhaps will not, be dispersed without a wholesale submission to the structure. This causes me problems, and I'm not sure how much is valid and how much is stubbornness and arrogance on my part.

I don't learn structurally well, and I tend to be resentful in the process. I don't take things as true just because I'm told them by someone in positional authority (in fact, I'm more likely to question or resist if knowledge is imparted with an appeal to positional authority). Despite an incredible streak of antiauthoritarianism, I don't think any form of meaningful knowledge can be successfully transmitted in a "one size fits all" method. My epistemology informs my view of power dynamics, and vice versa.

But I still need to know things, and the pressure to know is only growing. I don't want to feel like I have to reinvent the wheel, unless knowledge of the wheel is only transmitted after several years of study of wood grain and grease viscosity. With my luck, my self made wheel would explode. It's not that I want the milk for free, but I don't want to pay for a cow if I only need a little milk. Honestly, though, I guess I don't know what I need, other than something.

pissy and cranky and still here for hours

Piiiiiiiiiiissy today here at work. Food was brought in, but it might have triggered a moral allergy (Domino's), and I've worked through lunch running reports that seemingly have to be done "right now!", even though they bring our help desk appication to a halt while I'm doing it, for all users. On top of that, one data set (two quarters worth) won't fit into the report, which was originally designed for weekly metrics, and the other one takes forever and ever, and I still haven't had it run successfully. One of the biggest parts of my irritation is that I am stretched beyond my knowledge, and I fucking hate feeling like an incompetent idiot. That, and I hate that my federally mandated (and apparently vital to my sanity) break is expendable and unimportant to my corporate masters.

strange reticence

For over two months, I've had the contact info for a recommended electrolysist.
For over a month, I've had the contact info for a doctor who will work with me, and who reportedly does not expect me to adhere to any SOC endorsed path.

I have yet to contact either.

This troubles me. It's not the issue of "reality", or "permanence" or the like; to the best of my self knowledge (which is admittedly far from comprehensive), these are things I actively want, maybe even need. But I do worry, immensely. I worry about power inequity, and about stepping into the swift stream of the transsexual system. I know in particular the electrolysist works extensively with the transsexual community, and is likely to make good faith efforts at encouraging me to 'transition'. I worry that, even though the doctor has been appraised of my position by my very trusted therapist, that there are unconsious expectations of a more understandable path, one of absolute certainty (and I'm not certain about much, save in the negative). I worry, a lot, about pressure, and about my ability to resist. I don't want to feel like i have to struggle against people who are intended to 'help'. I worry about being told in no uncertain terms that what I think I may want is impossible or physically unhealthy and unsustainable. I worry, a lot, that maybe I'm afraid of getting what I want. I don't think that's it, the latter, but since when has that stopped worry?