curious, and conflicted
Aug. 30th, 2005 10:03 amOne of the people previously referred to as "Office Bunny" (for which I carry some guilt, and am looking to reform as soon as I figure out how) has been slowly undergoing changes, and finally clicked for me today, with a "wow, good for her" response. What, you might wonder, are those changes? Strangely, she put on some weight. How did I notice? Because I look, probably a little too often. "How like a... whatever the hell you are!" some of you may be thinking in outrage, but honestly, I look because of envy, primarily, and can't resist that known, self inflicted pain (though, to be honest, when isn't envy mixed with desire? I've got a shiny quarter for anyone who can offer one solid example).
While not anorexic or decidedly underweight before, the program of strict control and self-monitoring was obvious to anyone who even thought about paying attention, and I don't think it was projection to see that it chafed and was unwelcome. Part of the job, and certainly of the role, is to present herself for the gaze, and that has not changed, but... strangely enough, the allowing of maybe five or more pounds additional seemed this morning to me like a relaxation, like an allowance of self, like a reclaimation of sorts, and I found myself celebrating that, though silently.
Curious, weird stuff that I haven't quite worked out.
While not anorexic or decidedly underweight before, the program of strict control and self-monitoring was obvious to anyone who even thought about paying attention, and I don't think it was projection to see that it chafed and was unwelcome. Part of the job, and certainly of the role, is to present herself for the gaze, and that has not changed, but... strangely enough, the allowing of maybe five or more pounds additional seemed this morning to me like a relaxation, like an allowance of self, like a reclaimation of sorts, and I found myself celebrating that, though silently.
Curious, weird stuff that I haven't quite worked out.