part one of many

I spent a lot of time this weekend facing fears and issues, wrestling with the guardians that have tended to keep me from even catching a glimpse of things head on. A lot to mine, probably to be documented here in time.

One of the things that won't leave my head, though, is the idea that nonconformity, specifically gender nonconformity, is only accepted by symbolic sacrifice, by a physical signification of submission to the rules and standards of the acceptable. The loss of flesh seems to be a rite of passage that can* be taken as a sign of submission to the overarcing norms. Unfortunately(?), this perspective only strengthens the "fuck you" I feel towards rules and mores, with no insight offered in how to navigate any of this.



*The operative word being "can"; I am not at all saying it is necessarily a submission, and in most cases from personal perspectives is likely a transgression. I am suggesting that from the perspective of the norms, of the standardized, it can look like a bringing of self into accordance with the rules that govern the bodies and identities of most others.

two (of legion)

I'm really beginning to worry that I'm becoming "difficult". I have this nagging fear that I'm coming to be viewed as troubling: too much work; someone one has to be careful not to offend; one around whom others must tread lightly. I worry that I am coming to be seen as no fun, as just not worth the effort, depressing, unpredictable, as one likely to turn in the hand. My problem is that I don't know when to shut the hell up, when others don't care what I see or how I see it. I worry that I am seen as harsh, unkind, judgemental, arrogant, and thinking I'm superior. I don't think any of those are true, but they're labels that have dogged my steps for years and years, and may have been at one time accurate. Not everyone cares about what I care about, or about me. Add more to the list of things I need to learn to accept.