a letter to Georgia Equality

(Because sometimes I have hope that I'll be heard)

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm writing with an unfortunate amount of disappointment in your organization, specifically in regards to your weekly radio spots on WWAA. I've been a supporter of Georgia Equality for years based on their inclusive mission statement but I am finding that, at least in radio practice, the all too common "real" hierarchy of GLBT is firmly in place. Consistently on the radio spot, the GLBT acronym is invoked in the introduction, but following that, every mention is of either "gay and lesbian" or simply "gay" when referring to the community or issues. As a transgendered person whose attraction to others is not strictly based on either their sex or gender, I feel slighted and dismissed on multiple levels. If, as is often the case, there are substantial overlaps on specific issues affecting the transgendered and non-straight/non-gay on one hand and gays and lesbians on the other, then make that clear as often as possible. Otherwise, it becomes all too easy to believe that GE is yet another organization that wants to claim to include BT people only to the point that they have to work for them.

Regards,

Adrien Tower

(no subject)

There is a specific shade of blue that you can only get in autumn: light, texturally thin, pale, clear and vibrantly deep, as similar to the thick, rich, heavy blues of summer as clear tea is to thick coffee. Laying on my back under the trees, staring past the leave and branches at the sun, there are moments in which everything is enough and good and happy, moments in which I am somewhere between content, welcomed, and at home in the world.

I never know how to do that when people are involved, to feel or share it in the presence of others. It's like my perspective moves to accomodate that of others, when what I want is to push mine out further. I think I need to learn how to project my world, to strengthen my reality such that it can sustain exposure to others. I'd very much like to be able to do that.

the usual core dump

I'm having a hard time envisioning a future for myself that doesn't suck, doesn't hurt me at most every turn, doesn't actively encourage functional agoraphobia. I don't think I'm hyperbolizing much (if at all). I've got too many voices in my head, too many conversations with myself.

"Why do you choose things that will make your life more difficult? You know it will, but you do it anyway; isn't that counterintuitive at best, and kind of stupid at worst? This is the point most people would say, 'But it's not a choice; why would anyone choose this if they didn't have to?' Maybe they know something you don't, or maybe they're just smarter, and taking the out that provides, but you won't even to that. Do you like suffering, is that it?"



"Give in, play along... If you lie just a little, things would be easier. Who knows, if you lie long enough, you might start believing it; wouldn't that be a relief? You know the system punishes you if you break the rules, so why not give in? If you sell off just a bit of yourself, maybe you can get enough to buy a little happiness, or something that looks and feels closer to it now than what you have. You could have it all, if you just played ball...."


"Why do you like them so much? You know exactly how mean they are to you, by accident, and you've felt how cruel they can be on purpose, but you still care. Hell, you're practically in awe; you genuinely love them, even though you know they suck. Maybe that's it, huh? Maybe you want them to hurt you, because you're the one who sucks. You're the freak, the one who can't fit, the one like Frankenstein's monster, only he learned to be murderous, but you're nice. What are you, an idiot?"


"You know how what you want looks to others; who's to say they're not right, after all, and you're wrong? Isn't appearance reality, or are you prepared to privilege the very ontology you rail against? Maybe you fight against it because it is true, and you just can't face it, face how bad you'd do at it even if you committed. I bet all this theoretical/intellectual gymnastics are covers and patches over your fear, your knowledge, that you'd be an ugly failure even if you tried. Damn, but you suck."


"Don't like them; hate them. The seeds are there, so just fuel them a little. They're going to hurt you; they have hurt you. You know how it feels, and you know it's inevitable. Hit first, and hit hard. How long has it been since you've really laid into someone? Remenber how good that used to feel, the knowledge that you were causing pain, and could cause more, the look on their faces when they realized just how bad it was, and how much worse it could be? Words hurt you, people hurt you; why not use the former to make the latter pay? It's what too many of them worry about anyway; give basis to the fear.

Or you could give up the metaphor, and go for the real thing. You haven't really hit anyone since you were ten, and you're much better at it now. You don't even have to pick fights, just externalize a little more, and the fights will find you. You know you think about it. Even if you lose (probably by biting off more than you can chew), wouldn't actual physical pain be better than all this existential whining and moaning?"




I don't know enough about conjuring to banish, damn it.