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reflections
Nov. 23rd, 2005 10:05 amRecent anonymously addressed memes have gotten me started on this, but it seems to go deeper, so I've got my shovel and pick and am starting to dig.
Some people I know will almost always read themselves out of things, no matter the content. Others will almost always read themselves into things. Too many others will almost always read themselves out of positive things, and will almost always read themselves into the negative. I think the latter case is exemplary of a flavor of low self esteem; "nothing good could possibly be about me, but any number of bad things could, and likey are". I can claim a slight degree of insight on that point, because I do it, too (Hi, I'm Adrien, and I have low self esteem).
That got me to thinking about other people, and in a weird hop, skip, and huge leap I don't quite understand (and don't fully want to trace right now) how I tend to see reflections of bits of myself in them. Sometimes these reflections look like glimpses of me as I was at one point in time, which usually brings out sympathy and compassion, as if I can magically make up for the lack of both I felt at that point in time by offering it to others in a similar circumstance. It's not that I don't think everyone is deserving of sympathy and compassion on a certain level, but it's easier to make the personal commitment when it resonates. Unfortunately this sometimes leads me to be blind to specifics as I get caught up in only what I see, or think I see.
Sometimes what I see reflected are alternate pieces of me, a me if only I'd made certain decisions. Sometimes it's a case of "there but for the grace of (something big and metaphysical) go I...", sometimes it's with a degree of guilt and envy, but more often than not, it's just a recognition of similarity and difference at the same time. Why sometimes this runs through the recognition/self filter, and sometimes it doesn't I don't know. Maybe I'm just a big old narcissist who can't admit it, or maybe I can only understand some things throught solipsism.
There are times, I am sure, that I see reflections of things I don't like. Seeing certain past forms of me really sets me on edge, as does seeing instantiations of traits of which I am not comfortable and try not to feed. I often react badly to these, though sometimes it's just distancing or leavetaking. There may well be other cases in which I react badly to similarities I don't like; I'd like to think I'm self aware enough to spot them for what they are, but I'm not (quite) so arrogant as to assume this is always the case. The people who do summon up reflections of past, potential, or even present bad versions of me set me on edge; I become very self policing and internally focused, watching for those traits.
I guess this is a long winded way of saying that maybe I need to spend more time around people who reflect things back that I actually like, things that could develop into betterness, rather than those who seem to summon up pasts and traits that make me afraid and self critical.
Some people I know will almost always read themselves out of things, no matter the content. Others will almost always read themselves into things. Too many others will almost always read themselves out of positive things, and will almost always read themselves into the negative. I think the latter case is exemplary of a flavor of low self esteem; "nothing good could possibly be about me, but any number of bad things could, and likey are". I can claim a slight degree of insight on that point, because I do it, too (Hi, I'm Adrien, and I have low self esteem).
That got me to thinking about other people, and in a weird hop, skip, and huge leap I don't quite understand (and don't fully want to trace right now) how I tend to see reflections of bits of myself in them. Sometimes these reflections look like glimpses of me as I was at one point in time, which usually brings out sympathy and compassion, as if I can magically make up for the lack of both I felt at that point in time by offering it to others in a similar circumstance. It's not that I don't think everyone is deserving of sympathy and compassion on a certain level, but it's easier to make the personal commitment when it resonates. Unfortunately this sometimes leads me to be blind to specifics as I get caught up in only what I see, or think I see.
Sometimes what I see reflected are alternate pieces of me, a me if only I'd made certain decisions. Sometimes it's a case of "there but for the grace of (something big and metaphysical) go I...", sometimes it's with a degree of guilt and envy, but more often than not, it's just a recognition of similarity and difference at the same time. Why sometimes this runs through the recognition/self filter, and sometimes it doesn't I don't know. Maybe I'm just a big old narcissist who can't admit it, or maybe I can only understand some things throught solipsism.
There are times, I am sure, that I see reflections of things I don't like. Seeing certain past forms of me really sets me on edge, as does seeing instantiations of traits of which I am not comfortable and try not to feed. I often react badly to these, though sometimes it's just distancing or leavetaking. There may well be other cases in which I react badly to similarities I don't like; I'd like to think I'm self aware enough to spot them for what they are, but I'm not (quite) so arrogant as to assume this is always the case. The people who do summon up reflections of past, potential, or even present bad versions of me set me on edge; I become very self policing and internally focused, watching for those traits.
I guess this is a long winded way of saying that maybe I need to spend more time around people who reflect things back that I actually like, things that could develop into betterness, rather than those who seem to summon up pasts and traits that make me afraid and self critical.
