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Mar. 21st, 2006 12:55 pmAs I continue to physically develop, I begin to worry more and more about the social world and how I will eventually fit, or be forced to fit, into it. It seems like all of my theoretical concerns are coming home to roost as practical concerns; I think I liked them more when they were just intellectual excercises. I simply don't understand why what is right for me personally is seemingly so socially impossible, outside of a very narrow circle of people.
Sure, it scares me; I expect it probably always will. But it confuses me a lot, too. I'm not terribly invested in the idea of passing as passing, but the practical aspects are getting more difficult to ignore, and as a consequence, more personally painful and frustrating. Because I refuse to by the package, and resist the incredibly sexist bases of much of it, I'll probably never look sufficiently "like a woman", which on one hand is just fine; I'm not a "woman", after all. But it's troubling to me that people look at me and automatically assume, for the nonce, that I'm a "man". In not much time, I anticipate, unless I work assiduously at stealth and deception, that they'll look at me and assume I'm a "man" who wants to be a "woman" (but isn't doing a very good job of it). Whatever happened to the idea of personhood? Is it wholly contingent on the either/or? Some degree of passing seems almost a social necessity, but it seems to cost a hell of a lot, particularly from my perspective.
I had more to say, but it's all blocked up now.Maybe later.
Sure, it scares me; I expect it probably always will. But it confuses me a lot, too. I'm not terribly invested in the idea of passing as passing, but the practical aspects are getting more difficult to ignore, and as a consequence, more personally painful and frustrating. Because I refuse to by the package, and resist the incredibly sexist bases of much of it, I'll probably never look sufficiently "like a woman", which on one hand is just fine; I'm not a "woman", after all. But it's troubling to me that people look at me and automatically assume, for the nonce, that I'm a "man". In not much time, I anticipate, unless I work assiduously at stealth and deception, that they'll look at me and assume I'm a "man" who wants to be a "woman" (but isn't doing a very good job of it). Whatever happened to the idea of personhood? Is it wholly contingent on the either/or? Some degree of passing seems almost a social necessity, but it seems to cost a hell of a lot, particularly from my perspective.
I had more to say, but it's all blocked up now.Maybe later.
