job jail and the prison uniform

After talking with aesthetic yesterday about job and career stuff, I came away feeling... well, I'm not sure. In response to why I'm not in project management (which, on the surface, does seem like something I'd be good at, and enjoy), I said that the primary reason was the combination of corporate and boy drag.

I'm sure I've complained before about the difference I perceive between letting people believe what they choose about you, and actively encouraging people to believe things about you that aren't true, but... it seems more real, now, for some reason (that I probably can't articulate well). It bugs me that likely the first thing anyone sees in me is an assignment of some form of "man", but I work to undermine a lot of that in visual ways, often resulting in being read as sexually suspicious (ie, gay), hip, or something. It's insufficient, but it's something. Corporate drag would erase much of that; it's about conformity and control, tied into deeply conservative conceptions of binary gender naturalizaton.

I'll admit it; I'm bored a lot at my job. I can go the certification/engineer route, but that holds little interest for me, and I'd be at best a mid-grade net-type. I could go the more managerial side, but... that brings me back to the corp/boy drag thing, as well as my inability to say "yes!" whenever called upon to do so. It feels like I've falled into the trap of gender related job anxiety and stasis, and it certainly doesn't help that statistically speaking, I'm doing faaaaabulously for someone who's transgendered (and then I worry that it's only because it's not obvious, yet). I don't like the feeling that this is the best I can do or expect, but that idea seems to have some solidity to it