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May. 24th, 2006
intro of sorts
May. 24th, 2006 10:33 amI encountered some criticism this weekend that, even if it wasn't aimed at me, is still good and useful, and has stuck with me, specifically that I'm not visible as a person behind what I write here. So, in an attempt to remedy that, here goes... something.
Physically, I'm what I consider pretty darned tall (6'4" or so) and relatively thin (180-185, though that still seems big to me sometimes). I'm pale skinned, blue eyes, and I think my natural hair color is some flavor of ash-blonde, though I'm currently sporting short spikes of a champagnesque color. I've no reason to suspect that I'm not genetically 'male', though I've never checked into it. I am on 'female' hormones, but more in an attempt to customize and become more myself than to remove or erase traits.
I don't consider myself either a 'man' or a 'woman'; I'm not sure either of those categories make sense for me, and some days, I question whether they make a lot of sense for others, as well. To paraphrase out of context one of my favorite science historiographers, there is more intragender variation than intergender, which to me calls the whole construct of assignment of traits into question. I do distinguish between sex and gender, and think limiting the expression of the latter to only two choices is absurd, particularly when an honest inquiry into human biology can demonstrate that the former is only roughly binary.
I consider myself a 'failed' academic, in the sense that while I learned a lot during my time in grad school, I did not complete my program, did not join the academy, and do not engage in an academic production of texts or knowledge. That said, I still read voraciously, and often feel guilty if I read more fiction than "theory"*
I'm an unrepentant aesthete, and a recovering elitist. Despite loving music like house cats love sunlight, I never learned to play any instrument other than the stereo, though I have started hesitantly trying to sing along again. My SO and I have more recorded music than just about anyone we know, and yet I can still look at it all and think, "Why don't I have any *good* music?" I used to be a horrible film snob (at one point coordinating the largest student run collegiate film program in the southeast), and still have a predilection for foreign and independent movies. My current favorite movie is Wings of Desire, my favorite book is Kitchen, and I think Jim Carroll is the greatest living poet.
I've used and abused my intellect most of my life, using it as an instrument of control to keep others and the world** (and much of the time, my own pleasures and desires) at a safe distance. In retrospect, I bought into a form of dualism without considering the cost, but I'm experiencing buyer's remorse some thirty or so years later. That being said, I'm not abandoning skills and mental muscles I've developed, but am instead trying to develop complementary and possibly balancing ones elsewhere.
I'm not religious in any way I understand the term, and have a sort of knee-jerk distrust, if not actual scorn, for religion; in my mind, it's an unnecessary structure imposed between people and direct experience, often used to control the former and dampen the latter. I imagine that makes me some flavor of gnostic, and I'm OK with that. I don't believe in any god or gods in the sense that I understand, and tend to think of monotheism as painfully lonely and impoverished in particular; I don't understand how anyone couldn't feel sorry for a monotheistic diety, and see that lack of compassion as a serious flaw. I don't believe in much, honestly, but I do give credence to experience, and thus distinguish between local/personal knowledge and "faith".
I feel like I'm aware of nonhuman... presences? I call them my friends, which feels honest, though I worry about it being taken to be demeaning or flattening. I will at times call them "local gods", but I mean that to stress locality and something more than just scientific materialism. (Not that I'm anti-science by any stretch of the imagination, but that I reject scientific fundamentalism the same way I reject all fundamentalisms). I envision relationships between difference, not between unequals; just as everyone I know can do something I can't do, and vice versa, my 'friends' can do things I can't, and vice versa. I think the most important thing that anyone can offer another, whether human or not, is honest acknowledgement and awareness of presence, which seems sadly rare in the world.
I'm recently 39 years old, which has started to weigh on me (probably because 40 seems like a marker year). While I don't think I look or act my age, I have become aware of the fact that just about everyone I know is younger than I am, sometimes by a dramatic amount. On a good day, I can interpret that as a reflection of my unwillingness to knuckle under the pressure of age based imperatives, and that I choose to associate with others who are not calcified. On a bad day, it makes me worry if I'm immature, underdeveloped, or missing out.
I work in computer tech support, which still surprises me even though I've been a computer user most of my life. It's a job, not a career or calling, for me, which makes me worry that I'm wasting both my time and energy sometimes, since it seems easy, and I could be much better if I just applied myself (the specter of "...if you just applied yourself" is a persistent ghost for me).
I think that's probably enough for now, and hopefully gives a little more of me than I normally do.
*I'm not sure I'd be able to tell you what that word means, really. It seems like a joke that some people act like they're in on, and everyone else assumes if they admit ignorance of its domain, they will only give themselves away as imposters.
** Meant to indicate the world independent of people, who still exist in the world, but which I experience as an overlay.
Physically, I'm what I consider pretty darned tall (6'4" or so) and relatively thin (180-185, though that still seems big to me sometimes). I'm pale skinned, blue eyes, and I think my natural hair color is some flavor of ash-blonde, though I'm currently sporting short spikes of a champagnesque color. I've no reason to suspect that I'm not genetically 'male', though I've never checked into it. I am on 'female' hormones, but more in an attempt to customize and become more myself than to remove or erase traits.
I don't consider myself either a 'man' or a 'woman'; I'm not sure either of those categories make sense for me, and some days, I question whether they make a lot of sense for others, as well. To paraphrase out of context one of my favorite science historiographers, there is more intragender variation than intergender, which to me calls the whole construct of assignment of traits into question. I do distinguish between sex and gender, and think limiting the expression of the latter to only two choices is absurd, particularly when an honest inquiry into human biology can demonstrate that the former is only roughly binary.
I consider myself a 'failed' academic, in the sense that while I learned a lot during my time in grad school, I did not complete my program, did not join the academy, and do not engage in an academic production of texts or knowledge. That said, I still read voraciously, and often feel guilty if I read more fiction than "theory"*
I'm an unrepentant aesthete, and a recovering elitist. Despite loving music like house cats love sunlight, I never learned to play any instrument other than the stereo, though I have started hesitantly trying to sing along again. My SO and I have more recorded music than just about anyone we know, and yet I can still look at it all and think, "Why don't I have any *good* music?" I used to be a horrible film snob (at one point coordinating the largest student run collegiate film program in the southeast), and still have a predilection for foreign and independent movies. My current favorite movie is Wings of Desire, my favorite book is Kitchen, and I think Jim Carroll is the greatest living poet.
I've used and abused my intellect most of my life, using it as an instrument of control to keep others and the world** (and much of the time, my own pleasures and desires) at a safe distance. In retrospect, I bought into a form of dualism without considering the cost, but I'm experiencing buyer's remorse some thirty or so years later. That being said, I'm not abandoning skills and mental muscles I've developed, but am instead trying to develop complementary and possibly balancing ones elsewhere.
I'm not religious in any way I understand the term, and have a sort of knee-jerk distrust, if not actual scorn, for religion; in my mind, it's an unnecessary structure imposed between people and direct experience, often used to control the former and dampen the latter. I imagine that makes me some flavor of gnostic, and I'm OK with that. I don't believe in any god or gods in the sense that I understand, and tend to think of monotheism as painfully lonely and impoverished in particular; I don't understand how anyone couldn't feel sorry for a monotheistic diety, and see that lack of compassion as a serious flaw. I don't believe in much, honestly, but I do give credence to experience, and thus distinguish between local/personal knowledge and "faith".
I feel like I'm aware of nonhuman... presences? I call them my friends, which feels honest, though I worry about it being taken to be demeaning or flattening. I will at times call them "local gods", but I mean that to stress locality and something more than just scientific materialism. (Not that I'm anti-science by any stretch of the imagination, but that I reject scientific fundamentalism the same way I reject all fundamentalisms). I envision relationships between difference, not between unequals; just as everyone I know can do something I can't do, and vice versa, my 'friends' can do things I can't, and vice versa. I think the most important thing that anyone can offer another, whether human or not, is honest acknowledgement and awareness of presence, which seems sadly rare in the world.
I'm recently 39 years old, which has started to weigh on me (probably because 40 seems like a marker year). While I don't think I look or act my age, I have become aware of the fact that just about everyone I know is younger than I am, sometimes by a dramatic amount. On a good day, I can interpret that as a reflection of my unwillingness to knuckle under the pressure of age based imperatives, and that I choose to associate with others who are not calcified. On a bad day, it makes me worry if I'm immature, underdeveloped, or missing out.
I work in computer tech support, which still surprises me even though I've been a computer user most of my life. It's a job, not a career or calling, for me, which makes me worry that I'm wasting both my time and energy sometimes, since it seems easy, and I could be much better if I just applied myself (the specter of "...if you just applied yourself" is a persistent ghost for me).
I think that's probably enough for now, and hopefully gives a little more of me than I normally do.
*I'm not sure I'd be able to tell you what that word means, really. It seems like a joke that some people act like they're in on, and everyone else assumes if they admit ignorance of its domain, they will only give themselves away as imposters.
** Meant to indicate the world independent of people, who still exist in the world, but which I experience as an overlay.