(no subject)

Had another "migraine" today at work. It totally snuck up on me; I only notice when I realized I couldn't see what my left hand was doing, and didn't feel really connected to it. After that, the irregular blurry/prismatic line started in my left eye, eventually moving to both; my upper left peripheral vision was gone. On the way home (I had to leave, as speech was close to leaving me, and that always makes me simultaneiously frustrated and weepy), I got a craving for fat, which isn't uncommon under these circumstances; thankfully there was a Taco Bell on the way.

I found myself wondering if this wasn't some form of 'pay attention, asshole' ekstasis, that if I wouldn't notice from everyday good and happy things, a firmer boot in the head might work. Upon waking, I realized my left eye was overwhelmingly dominant, much more so than I can ever remember at any point in my life. As I lay sleepily in bed, the wind gusted impressively and a very loud, very close crack of thunder jolted the cats awake. I found myself smiling, and waving at the sound. When the rain came, I sat outside under the awning, asking for help and beginning to feel better. When it passed, it took some of the discomfort with it.

I'm not sure what happens when I'm like this, but it seems like it needs to be documented.

anger

I'm carrying a lot of anger lately, and it just seems to be growing. It pisses me off that I am read as a 'man' to just about everyone, and there's nothing I can do about that. I'll never have my 'not-man' status socially accepted or validated, even if on incorrect terms, which I can't even defend against it because I won't try to convince anyone I'm a 'man' who wants to be a 'woman'. My terms, my experience isn't even in play; it's just not an option of consideration. I'll be read as a 'man' until I die, and I'm not OK with this. Despite my love for people, I hate them all at least a little bit for doing this to me, but since they aren't even aware that they are, it's a useless, burdensome anger that's very real and very justified, no matter that it's unfocusable. I will never be so saintly as to be able to forgive people for this, and I doubt they'll ever understand, no matter how hard I work.