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You want to want more, but are afraid to actually want. This is a damned shame, and one I know all too well. It's easy to say when it's about someone else, but if you don't ask, you can't receive. Don't make the mistake of pushing others towards more (no matter that they want and/or deserve it) at the expense of your own initiative; you deserve this, too.
Jan. 3rd, 2007
(no subject)
Jan. 3rd, 2007 09:54 pmI feel like I haven't written about trans stuff in a while, and not about the specifics of my trans stuff in even longer. I'm not talking about some casually tossed off rant about the structural limitations of unidimensional models; no matter how true I find that analysis, it's old hat, and I've just about done it to death. I haven't really talked about where I'm situated in my relationship with trans issues, what's happening with me on a daily, personal basis.
I think one of the reasons is that trans stuff kind of pisses me off. I don't talk about it much because I'm afraid it will come to dominate all aspects of my life, of how I'm perceived. Sure, I'm trans, but I'm a lot of other things, too, and I don't want one aspect of my life to obliterate all the rest. Truthfully, trans isn't what I'm about, per se; if anything, trans issues are a symptom of the way I look at the world, at myself, at the way it all interacts.
Also, there seems to be a lot of trans bloggers out there, at least among what I read. Most of them do a damned good job, and raise the profile of trans issues, sort of in a good way, sort of in a way that I find very problematic. In a good way, the idea that assigned gender need not be necessarily tied to identity or destiny is getting out in more personal ways; in a bad way the idea that transgender equals transsexual getting out makes my position seem more difficult, a steep gradient of inertia that makes the prospect of beginning to talk more directly, more groundedly about myself all the more daunting.
But nothing changes if no one does anything, ever. I always say that I'm not altruistic enough to change the world for the good of others as my primary motivation when it's presented as a consolation prize for not being able to live in the world I can imagine as possible. I'm dedicated as fuck to the idea of equity and justice, but not in any way that excludes me as an a priori position. I don't want to be Moses if I don't get to live in the promised land. If (realistically, when) I decide to take this up, it's for me first and foremost. Education is not my job, damn it. I want to save the world, sure, but I want to make damned sure I'm a part of it.
I think one of the reasons is that trans stuff kind of pisses me off. I don't talk about it much because I'm afraid it will come to dominate all aspects of my life, of how I'm perceived. Sure, I'm trans, but I'm a lot of other things, too, and I don't want one aspect of my life to obliterate all the rest. Truthfully, trans isn't what I'm about, per se; if anything, trans issues are a symptom of the way I look at the world, at myself, at the way it all interacts.
Also, there seems to be a lot of trans bloggers out there, at least among what I read. Most of them do a damned good job, and raise the profile of trans issues, sort of in a good way, sort of in a way that I find very problematic. In a good way, the idea that assigned gender need not be necessarily tied to identity or destiny is getting out in more personal ways; in a bad way the idea that transgender equals transsexual getting out makes my position seem more difficult, a steep gradient of inertia that makes the prospect of beginning to talk more directly, more groundedly about myself all the more daunting.
But nothing changes if no one does anything, ever. I always say that I'm not altruistic enough to change the world for the good of others as my primary motivation when it's presented as a consolation prize for not being able to live in the world I can imagine as possible. I'm dedicated as fuck to the idea of equity and justice, but not in any way that excludes me as an a priori position. I don't want to be Moses if I don't get to live in the promised land. If (realistically, when) I decide to take this up, it's for me first and foremost. Education is not my job, damn it. I want to save the world, sure, but I want to make damned sure I'm a part of it.