if I choose A, do I have to take everything A touches?

There's something I need from people, from human contact, whether it be personal, one on one, or impersonal, just being in the midst of interaction and activity. It's no accident some of my favorite places are bars or coffee houses, and one of my favorite activities reading in public places. People who've known me for a long time sometimes have trouble believing this, because I've spent a long time avoiding people, being maladapted, being that gloomy, withdrawn person in the corner, or at my worst, masking it all behind some pretty intense sarcasm and sniping. The sad truth of it is that I'm an extrovert, but a shy one, with skills most suitably adapted for maintaining introversion.

The thing is, despite my need for (and love of) people, it's also the place I am most injured. The hell of it is, most of it isn't intentional, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. All too often, it seems like when people are trying to be nice to me, trying to show affinity, they're doing it in such a way that it feels like, to accept the contact/compliment/what have you, I have to accept the (unintentionally) poisoned delivery system, as well. I know this isn't really their fault, that it just doesn't occur to most people to think that there are options other than M or F, or that to assign them without question might not be welcome, much less linking positive traits to such an unconscious assignment. But somehow, knowing it's not their fault doesn't make it hurt less. Historically, it's felt that to protect myself from the pain, I had to protect myself from people, from letting anything said or done touch me. Unsurprisingly, that's pretty damned unsatisfying, particularly for someone not particularly geared to the life of a hermit.

So that's the place I find myself currently. I don't want to be distanced, removed, sealed off, but I don't want to hurt, either. I don't know how to protect myself without the former, though, and I need to be able to, I think. I know I want to.