playing with terminology

I read a lot of feminist related blogs many days a week; I think for me, it stems from resonance based on an everyday alterity, an otherness concurrent and intersecting with the 'normal'. Too, I think much of my affinity arises from the position of concern as those-who-are-not-"men", which suggests ample room for me (rather than those-who-are-"women", a much more problematic, but alas not uncommon, position). Recently, there's been a lot, lot, lot of discussion about what trans(sexual(woman)) means and its implications for the larger (or smaller) project(s) of feminism; for a rundown, start here and here, with lots of good comments and links).

I'm a sucker for word games; that's probably pretty obvious, particularly when it runs up against identity markers, even more when they run up against mine. Some interesting things have come up in this particular round, and this is my reaction to them.

At least in areas in which I read, 'trans' has come to mean 'transsexual', more often than not 'mtf transsexual'. I'm not happy with this etymological migration, but there are a lot of things I'm not happy with; it doesn't stop them from happening. I'm conscious now that when I use 'trans' to mean the most inclusive definition of 'transgender' I'm using an alternate meaning, and usually go out of my way to draw attention to that usage. I mean it to be disorienting, but not in a bad or mean spirited way. I'm trying to put my own feelings of exclusion by co-optation to the side, because they serve no real purpose; I don't think people did, do this intentionally, and it is statistically (slightly) more meaningful in the lay usage. I need to stop assigning malicious intent, stop responding as if attacked when it's used that way; that's my deal, and I need to get over it.

Some of the terminology that came out in a lot of the trans/ally-aligned discussion at many linked blogs stuck in my mind, got several thoughts running. Someone (I can't recall who, or where, and I'm too lazy to look; I'm focusing anyway on my reactions, not crafting a polemic) defined 'cisgender/sexual' as 'you don't want to transition' (A bit of backstory: a lot of so-called radical feminist bloggers take huge umbrage at being included in the group 'cissexual' (my understanding: 'not transsexual'), claiming to be simply 'women', not 'cissexual women'. trinityva and friends have an interesting, and in my opinion generous, take on it. Go read, if you like.) For longtime readers, it should come as no surprise that anything touching the word transition can, and often does, set me off; this was no exception. But, I decided to slow down, try to break the steps down, rather than going from reading straight to full on doomsday response.

First, transition: from what to what? This is the place where I get lost in discussion of trans narratives; you've got to have a starting place as well as a destination in mind. For most, this is usually 'man' and 'woman', or 'woman' to 'man'. For me, not so much. If the part of identity that deserves the most respect is self identity, then I sure as hell have never been a 'man'. To the best of my knowledge, I fit some physiological definitions of male, but I've never checked my chromosomes because I don't think it matters. 'Man', for me, is not a home, not a nation to which I claim or aspire to claim membership. It's probably great for a lot of people, but I'm not one of them.

'Woman' is similarly problematic for me. I don't intend to ever join that group, nor do I want to; it seems equally, if differently, constraining and insufficient as 'man'. I also don't like the relationship between the two terms. All of human reality is meant to be contained between the two, but with no authorized overlap; things belong to either 'man' or to 'woman' in the popular mind. Trans (my definition) people experience the white antibodies of this either/or narrative pretty painfully and directly. Some find a home, or at least some comfort, in choosing one over the other, and that rocks. A lessening of misery can't be anything but good in my book.

However. Transition is often an imperative in trans circle, something everyone does and intends to do, and I do have problems with that. I am immediately ejected from community that should include me when asked (again), "Do you plan on transitioning?" (the fact that it's even a question posed to me should indicate some of the cognitive dissonance I engender*). I do not subscribe to the all or nothing, one way door narrative of contemporary gender construction, and tend to bristle when I'm pressured to fit within it. I'm starting to be more conscious of this, and don't automatically assume intentional malice on the part of those I encounter. When I stop to breathe, it's pretty easy to assume they struggle to understand me from within the conceptual tools with which they have to work. Still, it gets exhausting, always having to go over the same damned territory with each new person, and my structural, systemic bitterness and resentment easily washes over into the personal. Again, my issue, and I need to learn to deal with it.

So, to get back on track, if 'cisgendered' or 'cissexual' can be taken to mean one does not mean to transition (from/to man/woman), then I'm cis, but that's clearly fucked up.

Some time yet to come: my take on 'dysphoria' and the sense of one's body being wrong/not right.



*heh, yeah, that was on purpose