(no subject)

I took a day, yesterday. Despite having gotten up, showered and gotten ready for work, I just couldn't face it. I needed the quiet, some time not around people. Thankfully, it was cool and grey, a day ideal for just such a thing.

Digestion is a strange thing. Physically, I rarely have problems. If it's not physical things, I've usually tried to process them intellectually. With time, that's become more conscious and careful, but it's still pretty efficient: decades of practice. But there are other non-physical things which need to be digested differently. I'm much less skilled at those, but if I don't pay them attention, I carry them like cold, lead weight.

I'm better today, if not good. Still a lot to work with, to break down and sort, but the process has begun, at least. It's meant to rain today. I think that will help.

(no subject)

Walking in the cool, soft rain today down the familiar path, I ran into a medium sized black snake, slowly twisting its way across the path. It was slow, and my first concern was that I had frightened it, but right on the heels of that was a large and growing worry about how cold it must be, how the rain I enjoyed could be something very different for something coldblooded and mostly surface. As I watched it, worriedly, it struck me that I didn't feel revulsion or panic like I had even a couple of years ago, where at basically the same spot I saw a black snake and it frightened me enough that I avoided going into those same woods for over three weeks in summer. Just this week, I saved a medium sized spider from the damp walls of the kitchen sink, and carefully took it outside. It struck me how much has changed in a relatively short time, that I worry about the things that used to scare me. Beth Orton kicked in just a few minutes later, as I stood on the edge of a concrete embankment and watched the water flow past, and I cried for a few seconds.

(no subject)

I'm in a funk. I feel like I've lost my way, but have I ever really had a way? I was going to say that I feel out of balance, but that's not true; I have been out of balance for a long, long time. What I'm feeling now is knocked off of my twisted, maladaptive posture that I held for so long that it started to make lack of balance feel like a stunted form of stasis, but I can't even do that right now. I think this is supposed to feel like an opportunity, but I just feel lost.