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Nov. 15th, 2008 09:15 amFirst day of vacation starts very promisingly, if unsustainably :)
Food, then back to bed.
Food, then back to bed.
Nov. 15th, 2008
reflections from a decent club night
Nov. 15th, 2008 04:44 pmI don't think it's any secret that I have a broad, expansive gaze, and despite the joking (from me and from others), it's not particularly acquisitive or valenced. When I'm in the right frame of mind, it feels very much like appreciating qualities, manifestations and moments of greater actualization that cuts across, or ignores, the standard narratives of categories and assigned meaning. But the best thing is, it's fun, and in a strange way, full of power and potential. I can't get much more specific without lapsing into language that dissolves into incomprehensible metaphor and borderline synaesthesia.
But, and this is maybe why it only feels about potential, I don't know how to trust or hope that anyone can view me that way. When there's that moment where my eye catches someone else's and there's that flirtatious exchange of attention, I'm at once all about projecting an honest but not presumptive appreciation as well as holding myself at a distance from potentially receiving that in return; there's often an amused voice in my head that says, "I'm probably not what (you think) you're looking for".
I don't think this is just me, honestly. I don't think it's as simple as just assuming the best and moving forward (whatever that might mean), because I'm still painfully susceptible to the visceral stab I feel when people talk about "that tall guy" or the like (and it's not that I don't like and really appreciate the occasional "that tall girl", I still know it's not right, and worry that it sets up inaccurate expectations). Too, I know desire and attraction are delicate, powerful things, and would not want to inadvertently give the impression of not honoring or respecting that in others, in part because I know what it feels like.
This isn't the brutal, exclusionary pain that it has often seemed like in the past, but it's definitely something that feels like it's keeping me from a greater, more open and honest engagement with people, both as a class, in groups, and individuals. If I can some how get a handle on this, it feels like, something very good will come out of it, but I'm more reflective and confused right now than the possessor of a hunch or plan.
But, and this is maybe why it only feels about potential, I don't know how to trust or hope that anyone can view me that way. When there's that moment where my eye catches someone else's and there's that flirtatious exchange of attention, I'm at once all about projecting an honest but not presumptive appreciation as well as holding myself at a distance from potentially receiving that in return; there's often an amused voice in my head that says, "I'm probably not what (you think) you're looking for".
I don't think this is just me, honestly. I don't think it's as simple as just assuming the best and moving forward (whatever that might mean), because I'm still painfully susceptible to the visceral stab I feel when people talk about "that tall guy" or the like (and it's not that I don't like and really appreciate the occasional "that tall girl", I still know it's not right, and worry that it sets up inaccurate expectations). Too, I know desire and attraction are delicate, powerful things, and would not want to inadvertently give the impression of not honoring or respecting that in others, in part because I know what it feels like.
This isn't the brutal, exclusionary pain that it has often seemed like in the past, but it's definitely something that feels like it's keeping me from a greater, more open and honest engagement with people, both as a class, in groups, and individuals. If I can some how get a handle on this, it feels like, something very good will come out of it, but I'm more reflective and confused right now than the possessor of a hunch or plan.