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Mar. 14th, 2009 10:15 amI've been realizing this week that it's not just that I'm good at my job, but I'm really good at it. As more and more demands are placed on me (lately, on the management/analysis/macro level side), I realize, "This shit is easy", followed all too often by "Wait, really, no one else gets (some specific point)?" I struggle with those joint realizations; it's either easy or I have a facility for it, and it's something others can't, won't, or don't care to figure out.
My boss (whom I like) is actively pulling me more and more into that aspect of the business. In part, it's because I make her job easier if I do things like that, but part of it, too, I think is a desire to watch out for me, or maybe even make sure I don't get burned out due to boredom. She's clearly designated me her chosen successor, and has talked about trying to create an operations manager position, between delivery manager (her) and team lead (my current position). I'm interacting with IT directors, project managers, senior engineers and analysts on a more equal level than I would expect were I just a support center team lead, and what's making this clear to me is how they interact with me. I can see circumstances aligning in such a way that with the barest of minimal effort, I could step into this world and maybe even shine.
So why don't I care? On a certain level, I do slightly anticipate the novelty of new situations. Constant repetition makes me blunt and dull, and shortens both my attention and my fuse. But it's not enough, that anticipation of new challenges. I think I doubt that they'll be interesting for long, sure, but I also worry that they just won't matter outside of a very narrow and artificial business context. I don't believe in profit for profit's sake, career progression as a right, and I certainly don't accept what appears to be the unspoken premises of corporate or office culture. For fuck's sake, I'm openly suspicious of capitalism and see fat profit margins as an indication of moral failure or active deception rather than an unquestioned good.
(I think there's something about the distance between social/locally interactive self and work self that feels like a protective necessity, but that's a subject for another bit of omphaloskepsis that's very much in the works.)
It's not like I have a clear idea of what better would be, just that I don't think different and temporarily more interesting would sustain me much more, if at all, than where I currently find myself. I'm puzzled that I don't care; I think, had events lined up like this, this clearly, even a year ago, I would have thought it was a good idea, certainly better than where I was/am. I don't know what I want to do, but I'm not sure what I do now, or what I'm being (tacitly, and probably soon, overtly) offered is it, is enough. I do feel some degree of satisfaction at being good at what I do, but it's not terribly sustaining, more like, "Oh, that's nice". I don't get it.
My boss (whom I like) is actively pulling me more and more into that aspect of the business. In part, it's because I make her job easier if I do things like that, but part of it, too, I think is a desire to watch out for me, or maybe even make sure I don't get burned out due to boredom. She's clearly designated me her chosen successor, and has talked about trying to create an operations manager position, between delivery manager (her) and team lead (my current position). I'm interacting with IT directors, project managers, senior engineers and analysts on a more equal level than I would expect were I just a support center team lead, and what's making this clear to me is how they interact with me. I can see circumstances aligning in such a way that with the barest of minimal effort, I could step into this world and maybe even shine.
So why don't I care? On a certain level, I do slightly anticipate the novelty of new situations. Constant repetition makes me blunt and dull, and shortens both my attention and my fuse. But it's not enough, that anticipation of new challenges. I think I doubt that they'll be interesting for long, sure, but I also worry that they just won't matter outside of a very narrow and artificial business context. I don't believe in profit for profit's sake, career progression as a right, and I certainly don't accept what appears to be the unspoken premises of corporate or office culture. For fuck's sake, I'm openly suspicious of capitalism and see fat profit margins as an indication of moral failure or active deception rather than an unquestioned good.
(I think there's something about the distance between social/locally interactive self and work self that feels like a protective necessity, but that's a subject for another bit of omphaloskepsis that's very much in the works.)
It's not like I have a clear idea of what better would be, just that I don't think different and temporarily more interesting would sustain me much more, if at all, than where I currently find myself. I'm puzzled that I don't care; I think, had events lined up like this, this clearly, even a year ago, I would have thought it was a good idea, certainly better than where I was/am. I don't know what I want to do, but I'm not sure what I do now, or what I'm being (tacitly, and probably soon, overtly) offered is it, is enough. I do feel some degree of satisfaction at being good at what I do, but it's not terribly sustaining, more like, "Oh, that's nice". I don't get it.
