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unrelated, but...
May. 29th, 2009 12:01 amI get tired of vibrating at a different frequency in a land where different is usually taken as bad, or exotic.
May. 29th, 2009
(no subject)
May. 29th, 2009 07:54 pmSometimes, I think I just need to talk rather than wait to be asked, to be shown that there is an welcome conversational opening for me, but I fall back into doubt: people are only asking out of politeness; I should let others speak, since I take up too much space anyway; etc.
Then I trip myself up with issues of repetition. If I'm writing, I don't want to go over the same stuff again; I want to jump off to other things. That's problematic for a lot of reasons. I write sometimes for the same reasons I speak; it's a concretization of thought, a sometimes final step where things "click". But, it's also intended to be communicative, which means while I may satisfy the former demand (and lately, pretty satisfyingly so), the latter remains potentially unfulfilled. I suppose the optimist would say there's marked room for improvement?
But if it's not fair to expect people read and engage (and in my more lucid moments, I think it's probably not), does that say anything about the willingness or time to read, or about the willingness or time to engage? The fear that engagement is the issue feeds back impressively into the fears about speaking, which only adds to my reticence, which adds to the internal pressure to speak (communicate) and be heard (received and engaged), which loops back to start and... ends badly.
But there's something about revisiting, repeating the work of heavy lifting, that frustrates me like crazy. I guess in this case I'm not a performer; I don't live for the moment to repeat my soliloquies, but want to use them to get somewhere, to do something, and I want/need others to be engaged with me. I'm crippled by dialectic, and don't trust my solitary masturbations; I get too easily caught up in removed theoretical ephemera. My brain does poorly, left to its own devices.
Which takes me back to the first point; I need to just speak more. But... I think I use this space differently than a lot of people. I usually intend it to be meaty, or at least evocative, maybe engaging; I hope it's engaging. I sometimes go after dense, difficult prey, and it seems like the general tenor is more diaryesque, maybe lighter. I could blame facespace, or mybook, or whatever, but that's too easy and probably inaccurate anyway. The thing is, I'm not getting something I apparently need, and I'm not making it easy for myself to get it.
I'm curious how others deal with this, if they do. Maybe others have regular cadres of closely knit, personal discussion groups that meet regularly, or pass notebooks of densely scribbled thinking back and forth with serial annotations. Or maybe no one gets this, whether they want it or not? I don't know, but I'd like to.
There are almost certainly some who might read this as an indictment. Whether I've said similar things in the past and meant it to be indicting or not, in this case I most certainly do not. Really, I'm trying to run down the migration of need and frustration, see where it goes, where it comes from, and maybe how to make it all into something else. And, I'd like input if anyone cares to offer any.
Then I trip myself up with issues of repetition. If I'm writing, I don't want to go over the same stuff again; I want to jump off to other things. That's problematic for a lot of reasons. I write sometimes for the same reasons I speak; it's a concretization of thought, a sometimes final step where things "click". But, it's also intended to be communicative, which means while I may satisfy the former demand (and lately, pretty satisfyingly so), the latter remains potentially unfulfilled. I suppose the optimist would say there's marked room for improvement?
But if it's not fair to expect people read and engage (and in my more lucid moments, I think it's probably not), does that say anything about the willingness or time to read, or about the willingness or time to engage? The fear that engagement is the issue feeds back impressively into the fears about speaking, which only adds to my reticence, which adds to the internal pressure to speak (communicate) and be heard (received and engaged), which loops back to start and... ends badly.
But there's something about revisiting, repeating the work of heavy lifting, that frustrates me like crazy. I guess in this case I'm not a performer; I don't live for the moment to repeat my soliloquies, but want to use them to get somewhere, to do something, and I want/need others to be engaged with me. I'm crippled by dialectic, and don't trust my solitary masturbations; I get too easily caught up in removed theoretical ephemera. My brain does poorly, left to its own devices.
Which takes me back to the first point; I need to just speak more. But... I think I use this space differently than a lot of people. I usually intend it to be meaty, or at least evocative, maybe engaging; I hope it's engaging. I sometimes go after dense, difficult prey, and it seems like the general tenor is more diaryesque, maybe lighter. I could blame facespace, or mybook, or whatever, but that's too easy and probably inaccurate anyway. The thing is, I'm not getting something I apparently need, and I'm not making it easy for myself to get it.
I'm curious how others deal with this, if they do. Maybe others have regular cadres of closely knit, personal discussion groups that meet regularly, or pass notebooks of densely scribbled thinking back and forth with serial annotations. Or maybe no one gets this, whether they want it or not? I don't know, but I'd like to.
There are almost certainly some who might read this as an indictment. Whether I've said similar things in the past and meant it to be indicting or not, in this case I most certainly do not. Really, I'm trying to run down the migration of need and frustration, see where it goes, where it comes from, and maybe how to make it all into something else. And, I'd like input if anyone cares to offer any.