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Oct. 22nd, 2009
finally, a Halloween movie
Oct. 22nd, 2009 09:15 pmThe first half of Ginger Snaps is a really good movie. The second half sort of loses its way in the tropes of the tradition, but there are still echoes of the angry, bitter subversion of the first half that it doesn't completely fall apart. I have to say, despite all the (subcultural, occasionally identity specific) hype, I'm impressed.
problems with people and my head
Oct. 22nd, 2009 09:29 pmI have issues trusting people. Curiously, this isn't so much about abandonment, at least not right now. It has more to do with, hmm, imbalance. That's not quite right, but something in that neighborhood. Let me see if I can explain.
I'm one moody fucker. I don't think that's as much of a surprise as maybe it used to be. It used to be that people just thought I was depressed, or maybe depressed and mean. Now, at least, enough people have seen over enough time that I have ups, that hopefully there are times I'm fun to be around, and maybe that I have something to offer other than a clever but painfully bitter bon mot or two.
But that's kind of the problem. I like being more up, and I like people. I feel like it's a mistake to waste an opportunity to be social by being unhappy, by talking about what's on my mind if it's heavy or dark. Too, I don't want to burden people with my shit, and I don't really trust them when they say it's OK; it's a failing on my part that I'm trying to get to the bottom of. But seriously, there are many more rewards for being happy, expansive, and warm than there are for being depressing, for not being able to be lifted by the good will of others. It's safer to try and put on a happy face, and then find a way to occupy that space.
And that's part of the problem for me. Bonding, trust, comes from connecting not just where it's easy or safe, on the higher points for me, but also on the lower, the really deep and occasionally dark. And I don't show that to most people. I don't think I can afford to. In my mind, no one wants to be around the heavy anchor of misery, the grounding wire of enthusiasm. I know people mean it sincerely when they try to pull me out of my depths (or at least the depths that I show), but if there isn't payoff there after a while, people have tended to stop trying, or maybe even eventually stop coming around.
And I need people. At times, it feels like a weakness, that I need something I can't fulfill myself, on my own. It strikes me as both ironic and unsurprising that, based on my perspective from my own sense of need, the most socially successful people I know are introverts. Me, I sit at home and stare at the tiny screen, hoping for some electronically mediated contact and slowly, socially starving.
So it's a pit I'm in. I want to share the brighter, up moments with people, because I enjoy it, because there are rewards, and because there's a greater chance of continued contact with people if I do. I actually want to share the deep, dark moments, but I don't think I can, don't think anyone really wants to hear it (no matter what they say), don't feel like I can afford to show that kind of weakness, weight or vulnerability if I want people around. But, since I only bond openly on the highs, not the highs and the lows, I don't trust that people who value me actually value all of me, just what they've seen.
This loop sucks. I want to change it; I need to change it. I also need to know how.
I'm one moody fucker. I don't think that's as much of a surprise as maybe it used to be. It used to be that people just thought I was depressed, or maybe depressed and mean. Now, at least, enough people have seen over enough time that I have ups, that hopefully there are times I'm fun to be around, and maybe that I have something to offer other than a clever but painfully bitter bon mot or two.
But that's kind of the problem. I like being more up, and I like people. I feel like it's a mistake to waste an opportunity to be social by being unhappy, by talking about what's on my mind if it's heavy or dark. Too, I don't want to burden people with my shit, and I don't really trust them when they say it's OK; it's a failing on my part that I'm trying to get to the bottom of. But seriously, there are many more rewards for being happy, expansive, and warm than there are for being depressing, for not being able to be lifted by the good will of others. It's safer to try and put on a happy face, and then find a way to occupy that space.
And that's part of the problem for me. Bonding, trust, comes from connecting not just where it's easy or safe, on the higher points for me, but also on the lower, the really deep and occasionally dark. And I don't show that to most people. I don't think I can afford to. In my mind, no one wants to be around the heavy anchor of misery, the grounding wire of enthusiasm. I know people mean it sincerely when they try to pull me out of my depths (or at least the depths that I show), but if there isn't payoff there after a while, people have tended to stop trying, or maybe even eventually stop coming around.
And I need people. At times, it feels like a weakness, that I need something I can't fulfill myself, on my own. It strikes me as both ironic and unsurprising that, based on my perspective from my own sense of need, the most socially successful people I know are introverts. Me, I sit at home and stare at the tiny screen, hoping for some electronically mediated contact and slowly, socially starving.
So it's a pit I'm in. I want to share the brighter, up moments with people, because I enjoy it, because there are rewards, and because there's a greater chance of continued contact with people if I do. I actually want to share the deep, dark moments, but I don't think I can, don't think anyone really wants to hear it (no matter what they say), don't feel like I can afford to show that kind of weakness, weight or vulnerability if I want people around. But, since I only bond openly on the highs, not the highs and the lows, I don't trust that people who value me actually value all of me, just what they've seen.
This loop sucks. I want to change it; I need to change it. I also need to know how.