(no subject)

I'm doing more at work. I'm helping my director write and edit her templates and manuals; I'm helping my manager with personnel issues; I'm effectively managing the entire support team. I'm much more engaged, doing different things than usual, while still doing more "regular" work than anyone else on my team. And I'm still bored out of my fucking mind. Seriously, the high point of my day is when I finish lunch and get to walk in the woods for about half an hour.

I want to be doing something else, but I don't know what, and I don't think just anything will automatically be better.

(no subject)

Chatting with a friend last night, I said "If I were some flavor of guy, I think I'd get a lot of play", and that kind of took me by surprise. It was a conversation about identity (among other things), and I was bemoaning how tired I was of being taken as some combination of kinky, maybe poly, probably bisexual indie guy. I don't (really) blame people for this; they interpret me based on the perceptual and experiential filters they have to work with, and honestly, most people haven't even thought about options other than the traditional man/woman, male/female ideas.

But it's the first time I think I've realized I might be attractive to others. Unfortunately, it's in a way I can't easily inhabit. If I could find a way to connect with how others see me, I could connect more easily, with less effort to even put forth a surface for interaction, but I can't, not on those terms. I can't honestly say I'm a guy, and I don't want to pretend that I am.

But I can't connect where most people expect things flow easily. 'Conceptual inclusion' is a phrase that I get now at a gut level (before it was just an abstraction). I can see it, this aspect of separation and loneliness, more clearly than before, but fuck, what am I supposed to do with that?