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Oct. 23rd, 2009 07:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiChatting with a friend last night, I said "If I were some flavor of guy, I think I'd get a lot of play", and that kind of took me by surprise. It was a conversation about identity (among other things), and I was bemoaning how tired I was of being taken as some combination of kinky, maybe poly, probably bisexual indie guy. I don't (really) blame people for this; they interpret me based on the perceptual and experiential filters they have to work with, and honestly, most people haven't even thought about options other than the traditional man/woman, male/female ideas.
But it's the first time I think I've realized I might be attractive to others. Unfortunately, it's in a way I can't easily inhabit. If I could find a way to connect with how others see me, I could connect more easily, with less effort to even put forth a surface for interaction, but I can't, not on those terms. I can't honestly say I'm a guy, and I don't want to pretend that I am.
But I can't connect where most people expect things flow easily. 'Conceptual inclusion' is a phrase that I get now at a gut level (before it was just an abstraction). I can see it, this aspect of separation and loneliness, more clearly than before, but fuck, what am I supposed to do with that?
But it's the first time I think I've realized I might be attractive to others. Unfortunately, it's in a way I can't easily inhabit. If I could find a way to connect with how others see me, I could connect more easily, with less effort to even put forth a surface for interaction, but I can't, not on those terms. I can't honestly say I'm a guy, and I don't want to pretend that I am.
But I can't connect where most people expect things flow easily. 'Conceptual inclusion' is a phrase that I get now at a gut level (before it was just an abstraction). I can see it, this aspect of separation and loneliness, more clearly than before, but fuck, what am I supposed to do with that?
