dream fragment

Dream about navigating my insurance and doctor referral system for an injured back. I lost forms, and had to call in to get information, but could barely understand someone on the phone, and had to go over some information almost letter by letter to get it right. The sense of dread as I saw the fees add up was almost sickening.

worth reading

From Pandagon:Attack on Married Privilege, Not Gay Rights

equals exhaustion

Speaking to new therapist today, I realized I carry two seemingly contradictory ideas/stances with me whenever I'm around another person or people. The first is that I am small, weak, in danger, and always have to be tense enough to form up armor against the damage that will inevitably fall on me. The second is that I am very large, ungainly, built to a different scale and trying to interact with people who are 30-40% of my size, fragile, and completely unaware of the danger I could accidentally pose if I slip up for even a second (I call this feeling 'tissue paper world', and hate it).

We talked about family, pain, (mal)adaptive strategies and more pain. She asked if I had an idea of what it would look like if I were kinder to myself, and I had to answer that I honestly didn't know, but that even considering it felt dangerous.

I feel so incredibly messed up right about now.