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heavy lifting on a good day
Oct. 18th, 2011 08:35 pmTalking with red headed therapist (RHT) today was... hard. I've been in a pretty good mood lately, and things seem to be improving, so of course I decide it's time to do some difficult work.
RHT's specialty is relationships. I asked if we could try and leverage that to look at my relationship with myself. I don't trust me, don't know that I can be believed a lot of the time, feel like I'm not a credible witness to myself, and feel compelled to argue with, criticize and disassemble most of the pronouncements I make to myself (or think about making to others). Acceptance (often the first step in relationship therapy) of me is difficult for me. The conflict is both internal (aspects of me against other aspects of me) and external (feeling beholden to other people's ideas about me). If one area were to ease up, it would probably influence the other, but as it is, conflict in one area feeds conflict in another, and the edge between the two is always in flames.
Attachment, exploration and identity: these are the things RHT thinks might be at issue (Poor thing prefaced her "Do you want to know what I think?" statement with admitting to feeling self conscious "because I know you're smarter than I am". I was overcome with compassion for her, embarrassed, and flattered all at once, but it makes me nervous; previous therapist basically gave up on her ability to help me because she thought I was smarter, and yet I still needed (need) help.) I'm to think on these, and talk to others about it for perspectives outside of myself.
The part that stuck for me was her imagining me feeling unseen, not allowed to be myself or find out who I am, but being expected to take the roles assigned to me. From there, I had the option to conform, fight or run away. I hate it, but that rings true. I still feel that too much of the time.
I can't conform. I don't know how to explain it, but I just can't. I wouldn't be me in too many important ways if I did. I can't really run away; where would I go? I can fight, and I do, but is that really a good option? I'm so tired of always fighting, most places, every day, a constant, grinding guerilla war most people never see. I don't want to fight any more. I'm just so tired, but I don't feel like I have other options.
RHT's specialty is relationships. I asked if we could try and leverage that to look at my relationship with myself. I don't trust me, don't know that I can be believed a lot of the time, feel like I'm not a credible witness to myself, and feel compelled to argue with, criticize and disassemble most of the pronouncements I make to myself (or think about making to others). Acceptance (often the first step in relationship therapy) of me is difficult for me. The conflict is both internal (aspects of me against other aspects of me) and external (feeling beholden to other people's ideas about me). If one area were to ease up, it would probably influence the other, but as it is, conflict in one area feeds conflict in another, and the edge between the two is always in flames.
Attachment, exploration and identity: these are the things RHT thinks might be at issue (Poor thing prefaced her "Do you want to know what I think?" statement with admitting to feeling self conscious "because I know you're smarter than I am". I was overcome with compassion for her, embarrassed, and flattered all at once, but it makes me nervous; previous therapist basically gave up on her ability to help me because she thought I was smarter, and yet I still needed (need) help.) I'm to think on these, and talk to others about it for perspectives outside of myself.
The part that stuck for me was her imagining me feeling unseen, not allowed to be myself or find out who I am, but being expected to take the roles assigned to me. From there, I had the option to conform, fight or run away. I hate it, but that rings true. I still feel that too much of the time.
I can't conform. I don't know how to explain it, but I just can't. I wouldn't be me in too many important ways if I did. I can't really run away; where would I go? I can fight, and I do, but is that really a good option? I'm so tired of always fighting, most places, every day, a constant, grinding guerilla war most people never see. I don't want to fight any more. I'm just so tired, but I don't feel like I have other options.
