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Nov. 2nd, 2011 10:40 amMore hard work with RHT* on anger, shame and distrust. I feel like I'm much more aware of my anger recently, and that much more of it is accessible, but I don't know that it's automatically a bad thing. I feel much less prone to sudden explosions of disproportionate rage than I used to be, and the anger that does come out feels more sanguine-red than the festering, poison-black, so that's something. I doubt that I'll ever be free of anger, and don't know that I'd want to; I think it is a very appropriate response to a great many things, and that life without anger would be artificially flattened and allow too many things to go unchallenged that really, really need to be engaged. Still, I worry about how to integrate this into my life, without anger becoming the dominant emotion or means of contact associated with me. While I'll always have anger, I don't want to always be angry, if that makes sense.
Shame is... hard. I don't know that I'm up for talking about specifics, but even generally, I worry so much about being bad (emotional keywords: contagion, polluted, impure, disgusting, unlovable) that I've internalized a deep distrust of myself. Curiously, the idea that others might sit in judgment of me pisses me off preemptively, but I judge myself like Flip Wilson** could only dream about. Of course, this keeps a baseline of potential negative anger and judgment always on tap, which colors my interactive palette in ways I don't like.
It's a lot of long, hard work I have ahead of me. I try to see it as encouraging that I can even get to the point of seeing it, but I'm impatient and have a hard time not comparing myself to what it looks like to me about others. I'm not aware of the struggles of others in this regard, I know. It's hard for me not to look at the external markers in others for internal issues with which I struggle and judge myself lacking. I know I shouldn't do this, but honestly, if anyone knows how to actually stop, I'd be thrilled to hear it.
*Red Headed Therapist
**Here come the judge, indeed
Shame is... hard. I don't know that I'm up for talking about specifics, but even generally, I worry so much about being bad (emotional keywords: contagion, polluted, impure, disgusting, unlovable) that I've internalized a deep distrust of myself. Curiously, the idea that others might sit in judgment of me pisses me off preemptively, but I judge myself like Flip Wilson** could only dream about. Of course, this keeps a baseline of potential negative anger and judgment always on tap, which colors my interactive palette in ways I don't like.
It's a lot of long, hard work I have ahead of me. I try to see it as encouraging that I can even get to the point of seeing it, but I'm impatient and have a hard time not comparing myself to what it looks like to me about others. I'm not aware of the struggles of others in this regard, I know. It's hard for me not to look at the external markers in others for internal issues with which I struggle and judge myself lacking. I know I shouldn't do this, but honestly, if anyone knows how to actually stop, I'd be thrilled to hear it.
*Red Headed Therapist
**Here come the judge, indeed
