Rules

[adrienmundi]

As damned near everyone important to me has pointed out at least once (probably much, much more than that), I tend to be obssessed with rules. It's not so much that I follow the rules, or want to, but I do want to know the specific penalties for my transgressions when called upon them. I guess I haven't left structuralism as far behind me as I'd like to think.

My rules obssession makes me stupidly neurotic on lots of things (I'm sure this is evident to everyone else, but it's even hard for me to acknowledge this much; maybe ego, maybe persepctive). I think I straitjacket myself regarding gender because I don't know the rules for transgression (but really, how transgressive is it if you have rules?); I whine about that all the time, and will do so a little more now, before moving on.

For the few of you who don't know, I'm a big old geek. For the past four and a half years, I've been playing a LARP character that I use as sort of a kiddie pool/outlet for a lot of the nascent attempts at blending and transgressing gender lines. It's widely accepted, if sometimes taken as a bit odd, but the odd has come to be expected of me, and that's OK, sort of (though it's hard to take the step out of the bounded environment and integrate a lot of that into my everyday life). Well, all of that just got harder, as that character is no more. Sure, I could create another transgressor, but that feels like ... like it would be perceived as a lack of creativity on my part, or something.

But that's about all I'll say about that for now; it's hard to cop to being a geek like that in public, for me.

The stupidest thing is when it comes to friends and relationships. "Habit" can come to feel like "rules", and I'm leery of rules breaking unless I know the likely consequences (of course, it seems impossible that there are no consequences to rules breaking; not being able to see any only makes me more wary). Being in sutuations in which there appear to be no rules established is also pretty damned nerve wrackig to me. It's annoying, it's frustrating, and it's totally illogical. It also makes me feel like I'm losing, or neglecting, opportunity out of timidity and neuroses.

Comments

[martinhesselius.livejournal.com]

::Sympathies::

[adrienmundi]

It's not the loss of the character, it's the loss of the outlet and opportunity said character presented me. I don't know of another environment or context in which the mixed signifiers would feel even remotely safe or acceptable.

[grendel317.livejournal.com]

That's really a shame. You looked quite fabulous, and I looked forward to seeing you at the game every month. I always had a great admiration for your/Crow's stylishness, and, as I think I've mentioned before, some jealousy of your ability to carry it off so well.

Truly, you looked very good. The passing of Crow is a serious aesthetic loss for the game.

[adrienmundi]

That's a damned nice thing to day; thank you, really.

[irana.livejournal.com]

Personally, I loved Crow...and as for the last of the statement, no, creativity is what you make it. It takes a truly creative person to creater a trangressor even better than the first. ;)

[casketgirl.livejournal.com]

Sorry about Crow.

And you're not old.

[adrienmundi]

Not old, maybe, but older than you.

[thewonderfuller.livejournal.com]

hell, *i* will miss crow, and he was the one who put the bounty on rickman's head that lead to her death. i agree with john that the game will be less artistic and fun with crow gone (of course, i'd narcisistically like to think that at least *someone* will miss rickman, even as annoying as she was...) i love rp'ing with you, and i look forward to the promised interconnection between our new characters. you are creative and intelligent -- inspired. you rock!

[adrienmundi]

Thanks. I guess it's the avenue for transgression I'll miss more than anything else; any similar blurring of lines will probably look derivative and one-noteful to others, were I to attempt it.