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Jul. 26th, 2002 08:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiSome weird stuff that's been bouncing about in my head:
As I've made reference before, I suffer from something I call migraines. They come on at random (unless I accidentally ingest decaf coffee; that wreaks a curious havoc with my brain chemistry), and I tend to find them pretty damned distressing. However, recent events have me rethinking some aspects of the whole thing.
I get what I consider 'classic symptoms', hallucinations on the bicameral split: I'll see odd flashes of color (always a really nice vivid violet like color) or translucent swrily/crawly things, but only in one eye; olfactory hallucinations, but only in one nostril (usually ozone); tactile hallucinations, but only on one side of my face, or one arm/hand; aural hallucinations (generally a ringing that rises and descends) in, you guessed it, one ear; occasionally oral/taste hallucinations. It tends to shift from half to half, though lately the hallucinations have been mroe centered on the left side. Unsurprisingly, I have historically tended to freak out at this, something along the lines of a focused panic where I need to get to a quiet place, take my drugs (Midrin, if anyone's familiar), and try to sleep it off.
Interestingly, there isn't usually a lot of pain, or at least pain in the usual sense. I've had superpainful headaches, and thankfully I don't get them very often. I think the worst part, the part that freaks me out the most, is the seeming loss of control of my brain. It feels like the normal patterns of linkage partially dissolve, and I'm almost a spectator as thoughts, impressions, and memories flow one to the other seemingly without rhyme or reason. If I remain conscious and don't try to sleep it off or control it (I guess I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to my own mind), it's kind of fascinating to follow the progressions, but the lack of context and structure are frightening. Usually at some point I'll have the thought, "What if I don't come back from this situation this time? What if I'll always be stuck like this?" Thankfully, that hasn't happened.
Most recently, an entheogenic (I assume that's spelled correctly) experiment gave me some interesting context, at first. The ability to experience hallucinations on both sides of my body/awareness, and not necessarily be afraid of them, was very unusual. Unfortunately, over many hours, the brain cycling and dissolution of links kicked in, in a very dramatic way (loss of chronal and linguistic links; memories and impressions were being organized by unstructured sounds and seemingly unrelated images. Structurally, it was fascinating, as my brain began to try and form its own semiotic web with no context or structuring ideal, but it was also exhausting and a little frightening).
But all that got me to wondering. Someone had mentioned recently (and I don't remember who, or the context, so forgive me) knowing a practicing shaman who 'saw the spirit world' as much as the 'real world', and it caused some problems in daily life. I remember at the time wondering if it mightn't be some low form of schizophrenia (apparently I have little problem medicalizing the problems of others); it didn't occur to me that it might be something not unconnected to my own hallucinations and the way my brain sometimes doesn't work (or at least, doesn't work conventionally. I tend to joke that it's the price I pay for overclocking my own mental circuitry; eventually it has to dump and reload). I don't worry that I'm schizophrenic; I don't (usually) hear voices, or see things that aren't there, but I guess I do have some interesting symptoms that others might want to categorize that way.
I feel like I'm losing my focus; undoubtedly I'll pick this up again. I'm intrigued, and a little wary, of the potential connections between my 'migraines', hallucinations, what some folks call shamanism, and what others call schizophrenia. Maybe I'll figure something out over time.
As I've made reference before, I suffer from something I call migraines. They come on at random (unless I accidentally ingest decaf coffee; that wreaks a curious havoc with my brain chemistry), and I tend to find them pretty damned distressing. However, recent events have me rethinking some aspects of the whole thing.
I get what I consider 'classic symptoms', hallucinations on the bicameral split: I'll see odd flashes of color (always a really nice vivid violet like color) or translucent swrily/crawly things, but only in one eye; olfactory hallucinations, but only in one nostril (usually ozone); tactile hallucinations, but only on one side of my face, or one arm/hand; aural hallucinations (generally a ringing that rises and descends) in, you guessed it, one ear; occasionally oral/taste hallucinations. It tends to shift from half to half, though lately the hallucinations have been mroe centered on the left side. Unsurprisingly, I have historically tended to freak out at this, something along the lines of a focused panic where I need to get to a quiet place, take my drugs (Midrin, if anyone's familiar), and try to sleep it off.
Interestingly, there isn't usually a lot of pain, or at least pain in the usual sense. I've had superpainful headaches, and thankfully I don't get them very often. I think the worst part, the part that freaks me out the most, is the seeming loss of control of my brain. It feels like the normal patterns of linkage partially dissolve, and I'm almost a spectator as thoughts, impressions, and memories flow one to the other seemingly without rhyme or reason. If I remain conscious and don't try to sleep it off or control it (I guess I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to my own mind), it's kind of fascinating to follow the progressions, but the lack of context and structure are frightening. Usually at some point I'll have the thought, "What if I don't come back from this situation this time? What if I'll always be stuck like this?" Thankfully, that hasn't happened.
Most recently, an entheogenic (I assume that's spelled correctly) experiment gave me some interesting context, at first. The ability to experience hallucinations on both sides of my body/awareness, and not necessarily be afraid of them, was very unusual. Unfortunately, over many hours, the brain cycling and dissolution of links kicked in, in a very dramatic way (loss of chronal and linguistic links; memories and impressions were being organized by unstructured sounds and seemingly unrelated images. Structurally, it was fascinating, as my brain began to try and form its own semiotic web with no context or structuring ideal, but it was also exhausting and a little frightening).
But all that got me to wondering. Someone had mentioned recently (and I don't remember who, or the context, so forgive me) knowing a practicing shaman who 'saw the spirit world' as much as the 'real world', and it caused some problems in daily life. I remember at the time wondering if it mightn't be some low form of schizophrenia (apparently I have little problem medicalizing the problems of others); it didn't occur to me that it might be something not unconnected to my own hallucinations and the way my brain sometimes doesn't work (or at least, doesn't work conventionally. I tend to joke that it's the price I pay for overclocking my own mental circuitry; eventually it has to dump and reload). I don't worry that I'm schizophrenic; I don't (usually) hear voices, or see things that aren't there, but I guess I do have some interesting symptoms that others might want to categorize that way.
I feel like I'm losing my focus; undoubtedly I'll pick this up again. I'm intrigued, and a little wary, of the potential connections between my 'migraines', hallucinations, what some folks call shamanism, and what others call schizophrenia. Maybe I'll figure something out over time.
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Date: 2002-07-26 06:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-26 07:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-26 08:07 am (UTC)Or so say the obiah women of the island from which I hail.
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Date: 2002-07-26 07:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-26 07:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-26 08:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-26 12:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-26 04:17 pm (UTC)