Pained and confused

[adrienmundi]

Against my better inclinations, it's mouseketeer rollcall, by virtue of my neuroses:

C: I would gladly take on every god, every fate, and every fucking person in the world to make things right for you. Unfortunately, none of that seems to matter or make a difference.

O: No one tells you enough just how amazingly devoted, loyal, lovable, and timeworthy you are; I worry that it's meaningless coming from me.

P: I have no idea what happened, but I miss you, the unspoken language, the shared meaning, the common ground.

S: I am so terribly unfair to you; I cannot apologize enough, but it's my goal to try.

Ph: There's nothing I can say, which is not to say there's nothing to be said.

K: That it's obvious to everyone but you that you deserve so much better. Again, I worry that this is meaningless considering the source.

T: Lead me by example, but know that I suck as a follower.

N: There is more in common, including neuroses, than is canny. It should be more sympathetic than peculiar; I'm working on that.

G: If I could choose an elder sibling, it'd be you. I want to make all better, but I'm powerless to do so.

finally, J: You complete my heart, my soul; you give me the world and myself in every waking second of every day. Why can't I convey this?

To any who may have been overlooked, accept my profound apology; my heart can only take so much inequity before it breaks.

Comments

Hmmmmm.

[tobian.livejournal.com]

I am kind of confused as to your post. Why do you think that you, or anything you do makes any difference or matters? From what I can see, it is just the opposite. Many of us are very fond of you, and your influences on us all are as vast as they come, if not completely obvious. I`m not sure if I did something wrong here, but I am trying to understand. If it is pertaining to the things I am dealing with on my own, I can handle them. If it is because you don`t feel appreciated, then that is something that I never intended, and I always did my best to convey the opposite. Hmmmm. I`m kind of confused here, but if I can do anything to right things, or help, you know I will do all that I can..

Re: Hmmmmm.

[adrienmundi]

No, I wasn't clear; it hurts me to consider the injustice of your situation (though surely not as much as it hurts you or O), and I so desperately want to do something/anything to make it better, or even more fair. Unfortunately, none of the higher powers will answer my challenges.

Re: Hmmmmm.

[adrienmundi]

Clarification: it's that I want to make you healthy, happy, and only having to deal with the usual amount of crap in the world, more than anything, but I can't give you that.

Re: Hmmmmm.

[tobian.livejournal.com]

Well, while I will freely admit I hate the instances, in some ways I am grateful for them. Because I can always look at them, and say "Oh I dealt with that, this thing will be cake for me to lick". In some ways, I have to be thankful for them, because I know I have the mettle to tackle these things, probably because of the other things. And any other sane person might not be able to. And each time I learned so many valuable lessons. One of them is this- if I did not know what it was to not be able to trust, or to be betrayed, then I might not value, or appreciate you as much as I do. The wonderful lessons and examples you`ve given me might pass right over my head, and I might not have the sense to stop and truly look at them otherwise. Or know just how incredibly value they, and you especially are. Sometimes learning the hard way does have some positives. And while I don`t usually have a knack for being able to express myself very well, and I fumble a lot of the time, it is the greatest thing in the world for me to be able to say that I trust you, that I value you, that I admire and look up to you, and that you are so very special to me- priceless, in fact. I can say that I love you, like I love my own literal brother, and that I can finally close my eyes and feel. That took me so long to reach and to come across. So, if anything, it is a testament and a tribute to you how just a wonderful, honest, and empathic person you are. I`m sorry that you feel confused and pained right now.. But if I can take some of the load, I`ve got a couple of free shoulders. I hope that despite this, you can see that you -do- make a difference, and in my case quite a huge, and so very much needed one. **Big virtual hugs** I love ya bro..

[martinhesselius.livejournal.com]

Thank you.
Life is good, and having friends like you helps make it so.

[thewonderfuller.livejournal.com]

i think you are rockingly cool! you cannot imagine how touched i was to make the list. that makes me feel really good. i am curious, though, about what you mean. you can respond privately, if you wish, but i'd like to know more.

you matter. you rock!

[adrienmundi]

You don't seem to let yourself have as much fun as you seem to want to have; you seem to adhere to the rules while giving the appearance of breaking them; you seem always tense and tightly wound (prior to the divorce issues, even); you don't seem to relax enough.

These 'insights' brought to you from the "Those Who Can..." school of armchair analysis.

more answers, more questions

[thewonderfuller.livejournal.com]

your response is remarkably rickman-esque, if i may say so: it answers the questions without answering it, and generates more questions in the process. i am going to have to buy *you* a few pitchers of cider and get some more details. i am really interested to know what you are thinking. :)

Re: more answers, more questions

[adrienmundi]

Why do you think I busted on Rickman as much as I did? "Don't try to do to me what I do, bitch!" But I think I did answer the question, just in general terms. It's not that I try to be vague; my mind moves very quickly from the specific to analysis of patterns and themes, where the latter is both more important and more present than the former. It's (one of) the cross(es) I bear.

[irana.livejournal.com]

Presuming of course, that particular statement is directed to me, perhaps we can take turn's at leadership? Your ability to hit the nail on the head in my life makes any partnership with you worthwhile.