In search of an audience

[adrienmundi]

Here's something I wrote to an "other-gendered" mailing list of which I'm a member. I had such high hopes, thinking that somehow being other gendered would necessarily mean being more intelligent, introspective, and conceptually in line with me (after all, *I'm* other-gendered; there must be more overlap than just that, right?). Alas, it seems that I am to be reminded of statistics at all turns until I learn the lesson once and for all. Perhaps here I will get at least an entertained, if not illuminated, reader.
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SS> For those of y'all who have penises and wish you didn't, is every thrust a reminder that you're biologically male?
SS> Of course when he's masturbating, then it's somehow different, he claims.
SS> Admittedly, this is probably because he's looking at pictures of women and wishing he was one. But is still
SS> somewhat bruising to the ego that its so much more satisfying for him to play with
SS> himself while looking at naked chicks than to play with the chick in his bed who would happily get naked on command.

I can only speak for myself here, but this is my (sometimes) mental
acrobatics. I am with penis; this used to bother me a lot more, all
the time, than it does now. I think the key phrase is "all of the
time".

Ideologically and philosophically, I'm pretty keen on the idea of
being a girly person with a penis; it's what I've got, it works pretty
well, and it's fun, more often than not. So, in my mind, I'm great
with it. This also means that in private sex (which is largely
imagination fueled), I'm also pretty OK with the seeming disparity
between what I aspire to and identify with, and the parts I have with
which to work.

I start running into difficulty when it's not so much a question of
mentality, but interpersonal arenas. My SO is supremely keen on
genderqueerness, mine in particular; that's not a problem. What often
*is* a problem is when culture intrudes into our physical
interactions. (I think it's unquestionable that I've had way too much school and
theory; it necessarily frames a lot of my thinking and my reactions.
Ususally this gives me some insight, and is welcome; in this sphere,
it makes me miserable.)

Unfortunately, in our culture, the icon of maleness is the penis. This
makes something that should be just a fun body part a land mine of
sorts for me. This is compounded by the fact that I am more than a
full foot taller than my SO, and suddenly I feel as though I must look
the traditional male, doing the traditional male penetration, and it
often seriously derails me. It makes no difference to me what mental
constructions and acceptance I have, nor the fact that my SO is more
than accepting, or even that I have made minor modifications to my
body (though it is my hope that slightly more will give me a bulwark
against the internal colonization of culture).

I can't speak for your SO, but for me, at least, despite a raging
desire for my own SO and intimacy, despite making hard work to feel
universally alright for being substantially other than boy, sometimes
it just doesn't work, and makes me feel as though I've let my SO down,
as well as just drug myself through the thorny patch I am loathe to
enter willingly. Again, for me at least, it has absolutely nothing to
do with lack of desire; maybe more with lack of mental fortitude?

I don't know if any of this helps, but it struck a chord with me.

A