(no subject)
Sep. 13th, 2005 01:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiOff and on lately, I've beginning to think about accomplishments, markers of progress and the like. I'm not sure when, exactly, it started, but I first became aware of it when half-assedly trying to track down one of the very few people from high school I was interested in contacting. I had all but made contact (via classmates, who makes it difficult to do without paying them money), and then choked. I asked myself what I could possibly talk to them about, and none of the safe, standard, or easily enterable topics seemed to fit. I'm not a career person; I do a job, try to do it well, but it's not my life, and it never will be. I'm not a fammily person; I don't have children, and despite loving them intensely, I don't want any of my own. I'm not an academic, not anymore; I walked away from finishing my second degree, and despite having a severely altered brain because of my time amongst the books, I'm not sure I'm going back. I don't place value on "stuff", really. I'm not married, and hopefully never will be (the continued presence of my beloved in my life increases this likelihood). So, what could I talk about? How could I easily discuss the intervening twenty years, and what I did with them?
It's not like I've been idle, I don't think. I feel like I've done a lot, but... none of it is easily graspable, and a lot of it I don't even know how to talk about without sounding crazy, perverted, or obssessed. They don't give degrees in self knowledge, coming to view the world differently doesn't produce a body of work, and I am decidedly unwilling to expose my body as a testament to some sort of "progress". I can't help but wondering if this is another side effect of being off the main track; because my endeavors aren't endorsed, there will be little to no celebration of them. It feels like alaethea, even though I should have known it for ages, but damn if alienation isn't pervasive and wide ranging. I started off feeling badly about this, like I was missing out, but now... now it just feels odd, to me, like a space has opened up and has not yet been occupied. I bet whatever fills it won't be able to be easily discussed or symbolized, though ;)
It's not like I've been idle, I don't think. I feel like I've done a lot, but... none of it is easily graspable, and a lot of it I don't even know how to talk about without sounding crazy, perverted, or obssessed. They don't give degrees in self knowledge, coming to view the world differently doesn't produce a body of work, and I am decidedly unwilling to expose my body as a testament to some sort of "progress". I can't help but wondering if this is another side effect of being off the main track; because my endeavors aren't endorsed, there will be little to no celebration of them. It feels like alaethea, even though I should have known it for ages, but damn if alienation isn't pervasive and wide ranging. I started off feeling badly about this, like I was missing out, but now... now it just feels odd, to me, like a space has opened up and has not yet been occupied. I bet whatever fills it won't be able to be easily discussed or symbolized, though ;)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 07:48 pm (UTC)a possible misuse, but...
Date: 2005-09-13 07:51 pm (UTC)Re: a possible misuse, but...
Date: 2005-09-13 07:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 04:00 am (UTC)2. I would like to point out that, while you've not spawned, you do have a family, which you can talk about, as well as ... that other girlfried (hee).
3. Much of what else has been going in your life has been a series of conscious decisions of how you would let work fit into your life, creating meaningful relationships, trying to live a good life. They may not seem like Big Things, but they are big things.
4. If I ran into an old friend, I'm sure there'd be talk of work and family, but it would be the stuff in between that that really made the conversation engaging. I love hearing anecdotes, etc.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-16 03:12 pm (UTC)2. Which other girlfriend are you referring to, the other, or the other-other, or some other I'm not aware of having a newly assigned name? ;) But, joking aside, it's a very interesting idea that all this counts as family. It's not something I can talk about to others easily or readily, but damn, it's an intriguing idea.
3. I get that, I do, but it seems like only Bit Things that can be noted or discussed, not big things.
4. Yeah, but you're much less invested in the idea of Big Things; it's one of the cool things about you.