(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

I think most of my adult life has been focused on trying to identify the various things connected to or implanted within me, and then eliminating the unnecessary or unwelcome. Several definitions failed to make the cut: self as relational status; piece by piece, all mainstream labels of sexual identity; the man, and then woman label; as many layers of privilege as I can find and divest; religious/spiritual, (sub)cultural, political and national/regional identities. Some removal was easy, some more like chiseling away mineral deposits, and I'm starting to worry that much of it was/is like cutting at flesh with a sharp knife. I've often said that I don't believe in an essential self, and I still don't, but if all I have are low orbit personae, what will remain if I keep removing things external? Even if I do find something irredicible, will I have lost too much to be able to connect easily, if at all, to anyone else? From my current perspective, it seems like most, if not all, interpersonal avenues require bounding and defining by things I either have cut, or am in the process of removing. It still seems useful, if not necessary, but is it something that can't be recovered from?

Comments

[adrienmundi]

That was one of the questions, yep.

I have issues with pragmatism; this isn't a secret, I don't think. I'm painfully idealisting, also not a surprise to anyone. I'm afraid of a chain of logic/reason that will lead me to conclusions that are inescapable, but unwelcome, that might make daily social life much more difficult. I'm also afraid that it may well come to the point that I'll have to abandon or ignore all sorts of things about which I strongly believe, and may even be correct about, just to be able to "get along". I don't know how I couldn't not take that as a betrayal of self and of principle.

So, maybe linguistically not "permanent"; maybe nonrecuperable, or devastating is closer to what I'm afraid of.