(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

About a month and a half or so ago, it felt like it became very clear to me that for all practical purposes, I inhabit a very different world* than that of most people. My experience wasn't so much that I followed specific courses of action leading to specific results or destinations, but rather that (a) curtain(s) was removed, showing me things in new, unpleasant, and unavoidable ways. As I tend to do, I tried to talk and work my through this, kind of hoping there were other aspects I was missing, or a way to see things that didn't hurt and erase me. I failed in this, badly, ending up offending or alienating a fair number of people, and leaving me feeling (not necessarily accurately) that others were happy to leave me in my world for fear of their worlds being contaminated. Since then, I think I have spiralled into a very dark place with tightening walls and increasingly limited choices. I feel burdened by knowledge I'm not sure I asked for, but can't unlearn or ignore. I don't want to view the world like I have come to, but I see how I've gotten here, and every step seems inevitable in retrospect. I don't feel like I can just turn my back on what I know and have experienced, or like I can just accept the unacceptable. In two weeks, I expect the tension to be ratchetted up even higher, as I step into the fun filled world of medicalization of identity. I don't see ways out, and I don't know how to make peace with where I find myself. I would really, really like to. While I hope I have not come to the end of my rope, I'm very open to assistance from outside sources. I don't like where I am right now, and would like a path to somewhere better.




*to an extent, I think everyone inhabits a unique world, or at least co-authors their corner of a shared world

Comments

[sassysmile.livejournal.com]

tell me what i can do. if you don't know right now, tell me when you do know.

[adrienmundi]

You don't know how much even the offer has helped. Thank you.

[srl.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if this will help, but I found it useful to remind myself that I couldn't help anyone if I was busy beating my head against a wall.

If you want to talk via voice or AIM, let me know.