(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

I had one of my "episodes" (I can't honestly call them migraines any more, since they don't generally hurt unless I fight against them). I think it had been threatening all day; I distinctly remember being asked several times by a sleep fairyhead yesterday morning if I was all right, and I'd keep getting hints of my peripheral vision adding perspectival depths to things. Upon leaving work, I started getting the knot on one side of my neck that I've come to interpret as a physical manifestation of resistance to... whatever these things are. (As an aside, it bugs the crap out of me that I feel like I have to resist these things, to partake of "normal" life. If I can give in and ride them out, I almost always get neat insights or new ideas, and come back mentally refreshed on many levels.)

By 9:00 I had to go to somewhere "less busy". An open window, no electrical lighting, and a purring black gargoyle watching over me, and it was on. This time, there was no communion or contact with anything outside myself; this time, it was all from deep inside. Once the wrenching ache of self awareness was overcome, I realized... I really don't know what it is I want for myself. I don't know who I want to be, what I want to move towards. I saw how much energy it takes to resist all the things I don't want to be, but are forced upon me, and how little is left over afterwards. Considering the meager amount I often have to work with, I'm doing amazingly well, but that's not enough; I want more. I need to look harder, deeper, and without fear or hesitation. I'm not very good at that, usually, and often cling to the intellectual lifeline of ironic distance, self mockery, or potential disavowal. I need to cut that out.

Today, I'm ... off. Slower, more emotional, less encumbered by defensiveness, less weighed down by armor that may have ceased to be useful long ago, but that leaves me both more accessible, but more vulnerable as well. At several points on my commute, I almost turned around because I couldn't face the futility of just sitting in traffic as the low, tattered grey clouds turned the trees and grass into an almost impossibly vibrant green, and the wind visibly swirled and played a few hundred feet above my head. I'm not sure if I have the focus to be "normal" today, but time will tell. I do know that if there is still episodic energy inside me, I will only suffer if I try to resist too long.

Change is afoot.

Comments

[k-navit.livejournal.com]

In another time and place, in a culture that placed a premium on shit besides 401ks and business dress and automobiles and nuclear families and Ikea and cereal boxes, you would have been recognized as having a calling.

[adrienmundi]

It's very frustrating. I like running water and the internet and electricity to power my stereo, but does it have to be at this price?

(And then, my inner whiny homonculus wants to add, "All this raw talent, and no pointers, no training, nothing to do with it!" The homonculus is living up to its name)

[srl.livejournal.com]

Have you considered taking some time off and going on a retreat? I mean, if you were a faith-based sort of person, you might go spend some time in solitude and talking to monks about your experiences. As far as I know, you're not, but is it possible that something like that would help?

[adrienmundi]

I'm not sure. You're right; at least as I understand it, I'm not a person of any known religious faith. Retreat, at least in a certain sense, would likely be good for me, but the question of with whom to discuss and understand is the trickiest part. I'm not much for secret knowledge, and I have a compulsion to share.

[servingdonuts.livejournal.com]

Change is afoot.

Hooray! Godspeed.