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Nov. 18th, 2002 05:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiDistance
The feeling of distance between me and others is still there, and I don't quite understand it. I still have very warm feelings for friends and loved ones, and I trust that they have them, to some extent, for me, but it's the closing of that circuit that eludes me. Of course, me being me, I assume the problem is largely mine; others seem to be getting along well with everyone else. I am not speaking my mind; the sensation of holding back, of feeling bound by context and cues seems stronger than it's been in a while. Only the tiny one has managed to escape the full brunt of this feeling, which is certainly something for which I am grateful. Still, it feels that certainty to which I was becoming accustomed is gone, replaced by a feeling of contingency, restraint, and doubt.
Words
Speaking with KAD today, and the subject of words came up. I don't know why this should surprise me, but it did. It is her opinion that I am daunted by my own ability with words, that in spite of skill I still cannot seem to express what I try so desperately to express. I experience that often, but I don't quite think of it as daunted; I usually tend to assume that, if only I were skilled enough that I could communicate effectively. KAD, as have had others in the past, asserts that it's no lack of skill or ability, but more a reflection of overcomplexification that I tend to bring to most things, particularly that which is important to me (" I think you tend to distrust things that are simple": how likely).
Sex
Speaking of areas in which I feel I lack the ability to communicate... I feel so painfully trapped in this arena. I think I've become quite prudish in regards to the implementation of desire, pushing it deeper into the realms of 'secret' and 'guilt'; I suppose I could have said I've become Victorian and been as accurate. The most desired is indeed, quite quite desired, but the move from A to B feels to be a widening gulf. Perhaps it's that, because she's also the most important one, anything that even might be risky is all the more frightening due to the potential (and irrational fear of) loss. And yet I still find myself stuck in a place that helps no one, and makes (at least) two people distinctly less than comfortable and content.
The feeling of distance between me and others is still there, and I don't quite understand it. I still have very warm feelings for friends and loved ones, and I trust that they have them, to some extent, for me, but it's the closing of that circuit that eludes me. Of course, me being me, I assume the problem is largely mine; others seem to be getting along well with everyone else. I am not speaking my mind; the sensation of holding back, of feeling bound by context and cues seems stronger than it's been in a while. Only the tiny one has managed to escape the full brunt of this feeling, which is certainly something for which I am grateful. Still, it feels that certainty to which I was becoming accustomed is gone, replaced by a feeling of contingency, restraint, and doubt.
Words
Speaking with KAD today, and the subject of words came up. I don't know why this should surprise me, but it did. It is her opinion that I am daunted by my own ability with words, that in spite of skill I still cannot seem to express what I try so desperately to express. I experience that often, but I don't quite think of it as daunted; I usually tend to assume that, if only I were skilled enough that I could communicate effectively. KAD, as have had others in the past, asserts that it's no lack of skill or ability, but more a reflection of overcomplexification that I tend to bring to most things, particularly that which is important to me (" I think you tend to distrust things that are simple": how likely).
Sex
Speaking of areas in which I feel I lack the ability to communicate... I feel so painfully trapped in this arena. I think I've become quite prudish in regards to the implementation of desire, pushing it deeper into the realms of 'secret' and 'guilt'; I suppose I could have said I've become Victorian and been as accurate. The most desired is indeed, quite quite desired, but the move from A to B feels to be a widening gulf. Perhaps it's that, because she's also the most important one, anything that even might be risky is all the more frightening due to the potential (and irrational fear of) loss. And yet I still find myself stuck in a place that helps no one, and makes (at least) two people distinctly less than comfortable and content.
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Date: 2002-11-18 03:33 pm (UTC)Sincere question.
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Date: 2002-11-18 08:16 pm (UTC)It's fucking terrifying.
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Date: 2002-11-18 04:01 pm (UTC)please stop posting all my thoughts just as i'm thinking them.
xo t.
no seriously, it's uncanny. especially the third paragraph.
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Date: 2002-11-18 08:07 pm (UTC)Thanks.
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Date: 2002-11-18 04:26 pm (UTC)I do not know what else to say - ::Hugs::
make of this what you will...
Date: 2002-11-18 06:54 pm (UTC)it does not surprise me in the least that sex is an issue for you. what other fundamental behavior requires that you (and/or your partner(s)) focus on your external maleness -- the maleness that you find so uncomfortable and ill-suited to who you feel you are "on the inside?" the act is already ripe with awkwardness and painfully high expectations, both generated by the social reality that forces you to identify as something that you know is wrong. how can that not make you neurotic about the act itself?
no answers, really, but i can tell you that i won my war. we can talk about it sometime in a more private forum ;)