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[adrienmundi]

Few people believe me, but I don't think the gap between public self and "secret" self is really that big for most people. It's like there's a mental bungee cord that, if one or the other moves too far in a given direction, the tension is released and the other springs after. I wonder what this does for you sometimes. You may claim otherwise, but I think the intentional crafting of a public self is your truest art, and you do it amazingly well (I do not necessarily privilege the private over public, or vice versa). You seem to get what you want without the pitfall of shoving others aside or down, and you make it look easy. I wonder if it troubles you that few see the work you do, or if you prefer it that way, and I wonder as well what creates the tension in your cord. I like to imagine that your cord gets shorter, thicker and less elastic with time, and you become what you are all the time.

Comments

[fierce-rabbit.livejournal.com]

I played a character for most of the time I was a Mormon. In highschool I was "taught" by my friends (and my friend's copy of "Fascinating Womanhood" -- as well as the daily reaction to my "tomboyishness") that men don't like women who are too strong or too weak, but, like the baby bear's poridge, "Just right".

I borrowed the silly giggle of our most popular cheerleader and created a very "girly girl" who wore puffy sleeved dresses and was ultra "feminine".

I played that part for about 15 years because it "worked" as far as making me more attractive to men (in spite of the "real" me leaking out occasionally) but it sucked my soul and led to nervous breakdowns and suicidal thoughts.

I went to the other extreme for a few years, playing "vampy-tough" for a while and refusing to knit, sew, cook or do anything "feminine".

Having had the good fortune to be loved by someone who enjoys watching me "evolve" I'm gradually managing to find more of a balance.

[adrienmundi]

Balance, whatever it may be for any given person, seems necessary and good. I'm glad you're finding it.