ruminations
Jan. 13th, 2007 04:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiI've been having a lot of conversations recently about communication, language, writing and interaction (more than usual, even). At a certain point, meta infected me and I've carried it in my blood ever since. Almost casually, I've said things like "I'm very susceptible to language" and I think I mean it in what I tend to think of as a mythic sense, when the act of writing was overtly magical. I don't know how to reconcile this with what feels like an intuitive recognition of semiotics, but for now at least, that's OK.
I've also found myself saying and thinking that maybe I don't know for sure where the lines between me and others ends or begins. I don't think I mean that in an adolescent egocentrism, but more like... like something in contrast to Asperger's, maybe? From my current perspective, the troublesome habit of trying to underscore difference on my part looks like it could be a neurotic attempt to create boundaries consciously where I think they are for others, or should be for me. Ultimately, it doesn't matter where the impetus came from, I don't think I need it any more, or at least not in that way.
I was talking this morning with fairyhead about my own use of language, and some of my frustrations with it. When I do relax, start to unwind mentally, I revert to what feels like my "natural language". Unfortunately, that often tends to set others on guard, because what feels natural for me are larger, more specialized words, longer, more rambling sentences and what sounds like declarative statements. Drunk, I talk like, well, a drunk academic. This happens a lot when I write, too. The language that feels most immediate to me in relation to the issues on my mind at the time comes across as distancing, inaccessible. This is probably where the frustration comes in for me; I often appear most inaccessible when I want to be most accessible. It's all too easy from here to spiral off into zero sum ideas about meaning vs entry, but that's rarely been productive for me.
I've had this idea that some topics are so heavily weighted that to engage them deeply, pulbicly in the hopes of interaction, and as often as they weigh upon me is to have them overshadow other aspects of me, to become the dominant tags associate with me. In my case, at least, I think those topics are gender and mysticism (for lack of a better word). Believe it or not, I actually don't engage in them openly as often as I have something to say (even the former). Very recently I've begun openly engaging the former with more of myself behind it, and that's kind of liberating (not here), possibly/hopefully even beyond the novelty factor. I've not been doing much on the latter, and am quite frankly uncertain as to how to begin.
I've also found myself saying and thinking that maybe I don't know for sure where the lines between me and others ends or begins. I don't think I mean that in an adolescent egocentrism, but more like... like something in contrast to Asperger's, maybe? From my current perspective, the troublesome habit of trying to underscore difference on my part looks like it could be a neurotic attempt to create boundaries consciously where I think they are for others, or should be for me. Ultimately, it doesn't matter where the impetus came from, I don't think I need it any more, or at least not in that way.
I was talking this morning with fairyhead about my own use of language, and some of my frustrations with it. When I do relax, start to unwind mentally, I revert to what feels like my "natural language". Unfortunately, that often tends to set others on guard, because what feels natural for me are larger, more specialized words, longer, more rambling sentences and what sounds like declarative statements. Drunk, I talk like, well, a drunk academic. This happens a lot when I write, too. The language that feels most immediate to me in relation to the issues on my mind at the time comes across as distancing, inaccessible. This is probably where the frustration comes in for me; I often appear most inaccessible when I want to be most accessible. It's all too easy from here to spiral off into zero sum ideas about meaning vs entry, but that's rarely been productive for me.
I've had this idea that some topics are so heavily weighted that to engage them deeply, pulbicly in the hopes of interaction, and as often as they weigh upon me is to have them overshadow other aspects of me, to become the dominant tags associate with me. In my case, at least, I think those topics are gender and mysticism (for lack of a better word). Believe it or not, I actually don't engage in them openly as often as I have something to say (even the former). Very recently I've begun openly engaging the former with more of myself behind it, and that's kind of liberating (not here), possibly/hopefully even beyond the novelty factor. I've not been doing much on the latter, and am quite frankly uncertain as to how to begin.
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-14 07:38 am (UTC)I've noticed this among a lot of gender-different people. Certainly it's been the case for me.
By "contrast to Asperger's", do you mean excess of creativity, as opposed to excess of practicality?
no subject
Date: 2007-01-14 04:08 pm (UTC)Really? I can't say as I've noticed, but I'm also not sure I've been looking.
By "contrast to Asperger's", do you mean excess of creativity, as opposed to excess of practicality?
No, not really. What I was loosely aiming for was a hyperawareness of potential context and subtext, of feeling too acutely the array of acceptable social interactions, and feeling rendered powerless by them. From my limited understanding of AS, that seems almost diametrically opposite.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-18 04:20 am (UTC)It has only been the last three or four years that I have gotten more comfortable telling people about my learning and attention issues in relation to understanding situations and conversations. But, I am determined that I deserve to understand what is going on around me. And if that means I have to ask someone to repeat what was said or give more explanation, well hopefully I can be bold and ask more for what I need.