writing myself in
Aug. 26th, 2007 01:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiI complain, loudly and often, about the lack of trans voices talking about things other than transsexual issues, other than the multi-locational options available to ft* people, about the contradictions and uncertainties: in short, of people not talking about experience closer to mine. Truth is, I don't know if they're out there. It's lazy and selfish of me to expect others to do this work for me, to make this space for me, but I do, and I don't feel much guilt. To paraphrase a much song much beloved by fairyhead, the adolescent part of my head just keeps saying, "The world owes me, so fuck you." Not terribly productive.
I write myself out of the writing I do on trans issues in other places, which is largely where I write about them these days. I've referenced the reasons here, and they still make sense to me, but they make a lame ass excuse.
Most of the world views me as a 'man'. This is despite the years on hormones, and as much as I hate to admit it, at least part of it is my fault. I don't think I'm entirely responsible for my own reception: far from it. Within the meager interpretive framework, where the choices are exclusively A or B, if I don't go out of my way to present overtly signs of A, I'll be taken as B. There does not seem to be room for 'not B' without making a statement about the desire to be A or movement towards A group membership, at least if you're starting out where I do (penis bearer, assigned as 'man to be' at birth), nor does there seem to be room for multiple citizenship.
The part that's my fault has to do with intentionality, perception and assignment. Or, to cut through all the theory crap, I don't feel invested enough in the idea of 'woman' membership to fight tooth and nail for it, to endure the slings and arrows of individuals and societal groupings, to dedicate much of my life for the long, grinding struggle of a brass ring I don't even really want. 'Man' is... not easier, because it's not for me, but... less intentional work; it's a default assumption/assignment people make about me, so even though it's wrong and painful, I don't have to consciously put a lot of energy into maintaining that categorical assignment (or at least, it didn't used to; it's starting to take more, as an effect of my endocrinological efforts; more on that later).
This is, in part, why I used to get so damned frustrated with transsexuals, because while I know they (as a class) don't have an easy lot, the categories in play aren't in question, just one's place within them. They threaten the absolute, unmovable definitions of sex/gender, but they don't directly threaten the categories of 'man' and 'woman', even if they do work to make them more elastic. Like I said, not an easy row to hoe, but it's hard not to see it as a greener patch of grass. All the talk about passing as a categorical affirmation of essential self, of "success" just pisses me off in relation to me, because it still gives power to the duality that hurts day in and day out. As a survival strategy, it makes a pyrrhic sort of sense, but still seems untenable from my perspective, for me. I don't want to take self definition away from others, but damn, I get tired of all talk about trans issues being about transsexual experience and needs (sorry, Mlle. Serano, this is where you and I part ways). OK, so obviously, I still have issues with transsexuality, but I don't think I have a kneejerk response to transsexuals. I'm working very hard on that.
The think is, I don't know how to be 'not a man' in any social sense that doesn't conjure some aspects of or valences towards 'woman'. Honestly, I don't even think it's conceivable to be 'not a man' and 'not a woman'; people will force and assign me to one of two, very much without my consent. Because of sexism, power relations and fear of deviance, I still think my fear of losing my assigned, verstandlich humanity is utterly valid; a 'man' taking on aspects of a 'woman' bodily, daily, is bad enough, but one who does not pay deferential homage to the existing sexist structure is not allowable.
More on my physical reality at a later date; it's getting harder to write as I get angrier and more frustrated.
I write myself out of the writing I do on trans issues in other places, which is largely where I write about them these days. I've referenced the reasons here, and they still make sense to me, but they make a lame ass excuse.
Most of the world views me as a 'man'. This is despite the years on hormones, and as much as I hate to admit it, at least part of it is my fault. I don't think I'm entirely responsible for my own reception: far from it. Within the meager interpretive framework, where the choices are exclusively A or B, if I don't go out of my way to present overtly signs of A, I'll be taken as B. There does not seem to be room for 'not B' without making a statement about the desire to be A or movement towards A group membership, at least if you're starting out where I do (penis bearer, assigned as 'man to be' at birth), nor does there seem to be room for multiple citizenship.
The part that's my fault has to do with intentionality, perception and assignment. Or, to cut through all the theory crap, I don't feel invested enough in the idea of 'woman' membership to fight tooth and nail for it, to endure the slings and arrows of individuals and societal groupings, to dedicate much of my life for the long, grinding struggle of a brass ring I don't even really want. 'Man' is... not easier, because it's not for me, but... less intentional work; it's a default assumption/assignment people make about me, so even though it's wrong and painful, I don't have to consciously put a lot of energy into maintaining that categorical assignment (or at least, it didn't used to; it's starting to take more, as an effect of my endocrinological efforts; more on that later).
This is, in part, why I used to get so damned frustrated with transsexuals, because while I know they (as a class) don't have an easy lot, the categories in play aren't in question, just one's place within them. They threaten the absolute, unmovable definitions of sex/gender, but they don't directly threaten the categories of 'man' and 'woman', even if they do work to make them more elastic. Like I said, not an easy row to hoe, but it's hard not to see it as a greener patch of grass. All the talk about passing as a categorical affirmation of essential self, of "success" just pisses me off in relation to me, because it still gives power to the duality that hurts day in and day out. As a survival strategy, it makes a pyrrhic sort of sense, but still seems untenable from my perspective, for me. I don't want to take self definition away from others, but damn, I get tired of all talk about trans issues being about transsexual experience and needs (sorry, Mlle. Serano, this is where you and I part ways). OK, so obviously, I still have issues with transsexuality, but I don't think I have a kneejerk response to transsexuals. I'm working very hard on that.
The think is, I don't know how to be 'not a man' in any social sense that doesn't conjure some aspects of or valences towards 'woman'. Honestly, I don't even think it's conceivable to be 'not a man' and 'not a woman'; people will force and assign me to one of two, very much without my consent. Because of sexism, power relations and fear of deviance, I still think my fear of losing my assigned, verstandlich humanity is utterly valid; a 'man' taking on aspects of a 'woman' bodily, daily, is bad enough, but one who does not pay deferential homage to the existing sexist structure is not allowable.
More on my physical reality at a later date; it's getting harder to write as I get angrier and more frustrated.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-26 06:55 pm (UTC)But my goal isn't your goal. My goal also isn't to be the classical "transsexual", and though certain people want to force me into that, I do push positionality out of it, without attempting to justify it (which makes a lot of people uncomfortable with me outside the internet).
As I said, the justification game is a tar-baby.
That's what frustrates me with a lot of trans-folk. They play right into that and it only makes it harder for us Outlaws.
On the other hand, I know some of those classic MTF and FTM folk who are perfectly wonderful and are trying to make sense out of how they feel.
One of my problems is that I don't know what I am and I can't explain it in a simple identity bubble. I can describe what I want to be with adjectives and maybe gerunds, but not as a noun. (except as a humorous take on myself)
Thus the "ineffabelle" moniker. I am a Belle. But I am ineffable beyond that. I'm in solidarity with trans folk in the same way that smart feminists are in solidarity with other feminists, as far as it goes against the patriarchy, but don't identify themselves as "one of you".
I also feel envious and a bit sad when I see these (especially young) mtfs who "just do it" blithely, and I wonder "how did you pull it off?... Make with the secrets here". And it turns out there isn't one, it's just 10000 times easier when you're young, and then I'm like "how am I going to pull this off?" - but as we've discussed, not pulling it off is no longer an option. I refuse to get rebuffed by statistics and social mechanisms designed to push me into the trash can.
And if I do go out, I'm going to make as much noise as I can on the way into oblivion.
And it angers me when people get upset with me for being "defiant". Because they don't understand that there are no options left here. I cannot not do this. So if the world tells me "you can't do this", well defiance is the only possible stance left. I am going to or die trying.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-26 08:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-26 08:40 pm (UTC)You kind of got me thinking about my own issues, which are related, but different from yours.