(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

I'm tired of telling people how well my friends are doing, how much progress towards their intended goals they seem to be making (a lot). I want to be able to report on my own progress, but I don't see any, so I deflect, I slip past questions, I play games of not so subtle substitution. I don't lie, but I don't tell the truth, either. I don't visit or revisit familiar hurts, unresolved struggles that may be unresolvable; I don't want to hit the notes in company again for fear of being labeled repetitive, depressing, an emotional stone of weight. I don't trust myself for being convincing when I say it's slightly different this time, there's a new insight or new piece uncovered, and I don't always trust my perspective that it's true; maybe I am just stuck in a cycle, creating new pieces so as not to go insane at the repetition. I want to be better. I'm afraid I'm not.

Comments

[adifferentriver.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, progress is tiny pieces at a time. Sometimes, repetition is about not feeling heard.

What is the progress you'd like to be making?

[adrienmundi]

If I knew what I wanted, I might get it, huh? It's all amorphous, indistinct: I want to be able to be relaxed, at ease, to not feel like every aspect of anything involving other people (even when no one else is present) is all hanging by a thread and contingent on which of the wrong, least odious inaccuracies about me will let which parts of me manifest.