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adrienmundiI'm feeling stuck lately. I think I've been stuck for a long time, except that I've just gotten used to it over time, so much so that it started to feel normal. I think that's one of the reasons I coast or drift; it doesn't take much effort or commitment.
It's not like I don't have dreams, or desires, or even best-of-all-possible-worlds plans and ideas. I just... did at some point it start to look like these things weren't possible, or that to engage them would only bring pain, disappointment and a series of compromises and capitulations that would render end results unrecognizable or meaningless?
But I do things, I try new things, some of them big. I have taken large, at the time terrifying steps, but they haven't brought me comfort or peace, just a road leading up to.. where? An end of the road in the desert? Did it all just stop, and why?
I need to find hope to move, but on so many levels, I guess I really don't think my dreams are reachable, and I don't know how to renegotiate them into the possible or accept the final impossibility of them, so I just stay in a weird intersitial stasis. I could reel off examples, but the general pattern seems solid enough for me. I don't take big chances, because I can imagine things worse than this; it's never been so bad that I couldn't imagine things being much worse. I've always felt like I've had something to lose, but I feel like I'm losing out on hope, on possible futures because I cannot see ways to get from here to there.
I've said for years that stasis is a kind of death. I guess I should know what I'm talking about now. I don't think I like it.
It's not like I don't have dreams, or desires, or even best-of-all-possible-worlds plans and ideas. I just... did at some point it start to look like these things weren't possible, or that to engage them would only bring pain, disappointment and a series of compromises and capitulations that would render end results unrecognizable or meaningless?
But I do things, I try new things, some of them big. I have taken large, at the time terrifying steps, but they haven't brought me comfort or peace, just a road leading up to.. where? An end of the road in the desert? Did it all just stop, and why?
I need to find hope to move, but on so many levels, I guess I really don't think my dreams are reachable, and I don't know how to renegotiate them into the possible or accept the final impossibility of them, so I just stay in a weird intersitial stasis. I could reel off examples, but the general pattern seems solid enough for me. I don't take big chances, because I can imagine things worse than this; it's never been so bad that I couldn't imagine things being much worse. I've always felt like I've had something to lose, but I feel like I'm losing out on hope, on possible futures because I cannot see ways to get from here to there.
I've said for years that stasis is a kind of death. I guess I should know what I'm talking about now. I don't think I like it.
