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adrienmundiI have this idea that I'm difficult to know, or at least difficult to be around. It feeds/feeds off of many of my neuroses in frighteningly efficient ways. I'm sure much of this is rooted in deep, old internalization (different is bad) and conditionality (mommy only tells you she loves you unconditionally if you're good). I think I got off on a wrong foot early, and then made impressive progress.
But it makes me bitter, and I'm one who seethes like Louise Post only wishes she could seethe. The bitterness stews in me and makes me stand offish at times, occasionally acerbic and sometimes mean. Since no one wants to be around me, so the story goes, I assume that they don't generally mean it when they ask or offer, but are only acting out of a sense of obligation or social niceness. Or, they only want me if I'm not moody, depressing, unhappy or anything other than a certain flavor of performative. I'm more of a social creature than with which I'm often comfortable, though, so I've gotten pretty good at giving people what I think they want, when I decide to do it. But that means I feel like I don't get a chance to give people me, which only adds to the bitterness, which adds to the surliness and standoffishness... Add the burden (real, imagined or some combination) of a closet few seem to understand, and it becomes, or can become, an impressive feedback loop.
But I don't know if I am actually difficult, and if so how much, how much is justified, how much is just bad habit or bad behavior. The way the system is designed, I don't necessarily feel like anyone else is in a position to assess, either, as I feel (wrongly or rightly) that so few have seen a non-performative, unguarded me as to be able to assess anything other than, well, the surfaces with which they interact (which means if that's all they see/know and find that difficult, well, I guess I would be difficult to them).
This system sucks. I know that, but I don't know how to change it. I don't know what a fair expectation, of myself or of others, is. I don't know what boundaries are in this case, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like people often step all over mine (that I don't consistently or clearly articulate). All I know is that it sucks, and I need to change it, but 'it' is a pretty freakin' big monolith, and I don't have any heavy equipment.
But it makes me bitter, and I'm one who seethes like Louise Post only wishes she could seethe. The bitterness stews in me and makes me stand offish at times, occasionally acerbic and sometimes mean. Since no one wants to be around me, so the story goes, I assume that they don't generally mean it when they ask or offer, but are only acting out of a sense of obligation or social niceness. Or, they only want me if I'm not moody, depressing, unhappy or anything other than a certain flavor of performative. I'm more of a social creature than with which I'm often comfortable, though, so I've gotten pretty good at giving people what I think they want, when I decide to do it. But that means I feel like I don't get a chance to give people me, which only adds to the bitterness, which adds to the surliness and standoffishness... Add the burden (real, imagined or some combination) of a closet few seem to understand, and it becomes, or can become, an impressive feedback loop.
But I don't know if I am actually difficult, and if so how much, how much is justified, how much is just bad habit or bad behavior. The way the system is designed, I don't necessarily feel like anyone else is in a position to assess, either, as I feel (wrongly or rightly) that so few have seen a non-performative, unguarded me as to be able to assess anything other than, well, the surfaces with which they interact (which means if that's all they see/know and find that difficult, well, I guess I would be difficult to them).
This system sucks. I know that, but I don't know how to change it. I don't know what a fair expectation, of myself or of others, is. I don't know what boundaries are in this case, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like people often step all over mine (that I don't consistently or clearly articulate). All I know is that it sucks, and I need to change it, but 'it' is a pretty freakin' big monolith, and I don't have any heavy equipment.
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Date: 2009-12-06 05:40 am (UTC)