Thanks, slightly overdue

[adrienmundi]

I was going to try and comment on everyone who kindly took the time to read and respond to my most recent neurotic rant, but I'm both lazy, and would end up repeating myself in certain points. So:

Thanks for taking the time to read, reflect, and respond to my torrent of fear and frustration. The pressure that builds up in my skull isn't reduced just by getting it out; I have to have some idea that at least some of it has been shared/understood. It's probably some form of meme-imperialism, but it definitely helps.

I appreciate the support being offered, very much. As I've said multiple times before, and will likely again, this would be way the fuck easier if I only had to deal with my friends and loved ones. Unfortunately, I don't see that as possible, yet.

But, please, all of you, don't sell yourselves short; while none of you have been in my shoes, I haven't been in your's, either. That doesn't mean you have nothing to offer (and it certainly won't keep me from trying to offer things to you, either).

Comments

[martinhesselius.livejournal.com]

OK.

[irana.livejournal.com]

But, please, all of you, don't sell yourselves short; while none of you have been in my shoes, I haven't been in your's, either. That doesn't mean you have nothing to offer (and it certainly won't keep me from trying to offer things to you, either).
This is only one of the myriad reasons I'm so lucky to know you.

Good call!

[ex-disposabl559.livejournal.com]

Ya got me. I do tend to sell myself short, and feel like I don't have anything to offer. Well, that's not totally true, I'm just never sure to what extent I can help sometimes.
So here's my slightly overdue comments to your big post.
First off, I didn't find any of that offending. Maybe I'm just dense, or maybe I don't find posts offensive when you're speaking openly and honestly on a subject that means a lot to you.
Hehe. Otherwise I probably shouldn't bother to read most peoples journals.
Second, here's support: You can do it! I'm behind you 100% in your endeavors, and I will continue to support you. Keep doing what you feel you need to, want to, what makes you happy, etc., and your friends will always be there for you.
Third, and generally last, my opinions/perspectives/observations, yada yada(<- my alternative for etc).
Along with that stuff, the disclaimer, only because I feel I can sometimes ham-handedly handle delicate matters, and I'm not the best at expressing my thoughts into words. The disclaimer is that I hope I don't seem like I'm attacking your journal, your life, or any of that kind of stuff. I say this because I am going to be honest, but sometimes I may not realize that what I'm saying can be hurtful, and that is never my intent. I try to be honest without being hurtful, but sometimes best intentions don't always cut it.
Now that that's out of the way, I'll try to get started. First off, I really enjoy reading your journal. It seems like it's a great outlet for you, and it helps me to see what your gender issues are all about (I'd still like to talk more in person about them sometime). It also a great way for your friends to support you, give words of encouragement, kicks to the ass, etc.
But here's some of my perspectives on your journal, and why it's hard for me to post. Sometimes, I feel that your journal is very intimidating. Mainly from how smart you are, your level of vocabulary, and the complex issues you struggle with. Couple that with the people that comment in your journal that I associate with: my sweetie, your dearest, the engaged pseudo-roommates, and such, I feel like my comments are on an elementary level compared to grad students. I'm not saying that you should dumb your journal down in anyway. I just think/feel that I don't have much to offer after the pantheon has spoken, and what I say sounds kind of dumb in comparison. (Of course I know every individual has something viable to contribute in someway, I'm just putting trepidations on display).
Did I ever mention that when I'm in the same room as you and Kim, and you two are having a conversation, I feel like I get smarter?
Just curious.
Another point to the posting/commenting business. I can relate to your issues, in my own way. Similar, but different. And you know what they are. But yours are like on a whole other level. Like mine, but magnified to a greater extent. And I guess I apply what conclusions I've come to, to your issues, so it makes it hard for me to comment everytime when I'm always thinking the same thing.
I really shouldn't do that, but at this time I can't help myself.
And it's very simple, so you're probably not going to like it a lot. But society/human nature is not going to change for you. Slowly, over the years, things will change, but there will generally be a majority of people that will still be the same.
You are going to have to be the one that changes how you see things, or maybe more like accept how others will see you. Or maybe I'm trying to say that it's up to you to decide how you're going to be, and say to Hell with what certain people think.
Much, much easier said than done, of course, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, and you've already taken that step. You just need traveling companions along the way.
I guess what I'm also thinking is that you can get advice from all kinds of people, but it the end, it's still up to you.
continued...

continued...

[ex-disposabl559.livejournal.com]

I also find it hard to toss out this simple mumbo-jumbo and fortune cookie wisdom when you're obviously so torn up inside about all these thought processes. Plus, there's many times when I see people give you advice or thoughts, and a lot of times it doesn't seem to do much good, or it gets shot down.
I'm not sure if it's because others just don't really understand what you're going through, or if there's more to it.
Kind of like a resistence to advice, because how can anyone else possibly understand what you're going through unless they have those same issues? (I'll stop at that because I'm getting to the point where I'm just pulling stuff out of my ass)
Your issues are pretty complex. But I also think you make them much more complicated than they actually are (but you knew that, right?).
And another thing! (starting to lose my focus)
Getting support from everybody is a great thing, but I think you should be challenged more. I don't know why right now. It's more of an intuitive feeling. Hopefully I'm doing that at some point other than just rambling. When I say challenged, I don't mean challenge what you're doing with your life/body/stuff. I'm not sure exactly what I'm talking about, so I'll get back around to that, someday...
Back to my conclusions for myself that I project at you. I forgot to mention that with me, there's a lot of cognitive dissonace with my issue. It's a binary choice, but with both choices being valid.
It all comes down to me just deciding which one will be right for me. The answer is so simple, but all the inside fighting makes it anything but. (That doesn't relate to the binary gender choice at all, that's something totally different)
Another little bit of wisdom I offered to Kim that could apply:
Try to recognize the things you can change and the things you can't, learn to tell the difference, and accept what you can't change. (I think that's a mangled proverb from the Bible, or something) Of course, Kim told me she still couldn't accept the things that she can't change, so go figure.
Sometimes I think you're ahead of your time too. That in the future, gender issues won't be so much of an issue anymore.
Like a philosopher with ideas that scare most people, so they want to throw stones and bury their heads in the sand. Later, people come to realize the philosopher was brillant, and their ideas changed how the world thinks.
Another thing I was thinking about was if you have problems with what you call yourself, or what others should call you, I think you should make up a new word. Like how they had hermaphs in Transmet, but maybe something like neogenus (a little Greek, a little Latin, and voila!). And then you do the meme-thang, and spread it. You're connected to the whole world, after all. Why not?
Actually, what you should do, is write a book about your life and what you're doing with it. That would kick much assholio.

Gah! Look what you made me do! I rambled on and on like a crazy person, and did just what I was trying not to do. Oh well.
At least I tried. :)

I posted twice because I got this error:
Sorry, but your comment of 6982 characters exceeds the maximum character length of 4300. Please go back, shorten it, and try posting it again.
Oops. I had no idea there was a maximum length to comments.