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Jul. 20th, 2010 09:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiBodies are complicated, weird. My body often feels like territory fought over by competing impulses, but almost never anything in itself. I know that's fucked up; how can't I know that? It's like I missed some point at which investment in the materiality of the flesh was supposed to happen, at least in regards to my own flesh. I remember dreading aspects of impending puberty (those played into the mistaken idea that I was a transsexual), but relishing others (like boundless energy and strength, sudden explosions of limb length). It was a confusing time. I think I was riven early, it just took a while to show, at least on the outside. I learned at a very early age some things were supposed to be hidden (but how, exactly, and when? before elementary school, to be sure)
I've only been off the hormones a week and a half, which for me is nothing. I think, since I've started in earnest, I've gone as much as maybe 4-5 weeks, but that was less intentional (generally having to do with either problems getting in touch with my endocrinologist, or not being able to take giving myself injections). This time, it feels like a conscious evaluative period.
There is no back for me. I'll never be content passing as some flavor of guy. Already I'm starting to mourn in advance the diminunition or loss of my already small breasts, and dread the potential return of hair, but I need to know what things feel like, how I feel, how my body works differently under different endocrinological influences. From there, I will probably be facing some profound, life* changing modifications. I've got a bundle of traits, impulses and somatic models that are native for me, but don't seem to be for many others, not even standard human endocrinology. Competing interests, one piece of territory: me. I've got to become inhabitable, or know that I tried my best.
*or at least social life
I've only been off the hormones a week and a half, which for me is nothing. I think, since I've started in earnest, I've gone as much as maybe 4-5 weeks, but that was less intentional (generally having to do with either problems getting in touch with my endocrinologist, or not being able to take giving myself injections). This time, it feels like a conscious evaluative period.
There is no back for me. I'll never be content passing as some flavor of guy. Already I'm starting to mourn in advance the diminunition or loss of my already small breasts, and dread the potential return of hair, but I need to know what things feel like, how I feel, how my body works differently under different endocrinological influences. From there, I will probably be facing some profound, life* changing modifications. I've got a bundle of traits, impulses and somatic models that are native for me, but don't seem to be for many others, not even standard human endocrinology. Competing interests, one piece of territory: me. I've got to become inhabitable, or know that I tried my best.
*or at least social life
