(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

I've spent so much time fighting against who I don't want to be ) that I've lost sight of who I want to be. It's been a slow, painful grinding away of aspirations over decades of near constant proscriptive, often invisible pressure, but it's left me defining things by negative space and bad mapping. Along the way, I picked up some of the hatred impersonally and unconsciously aimed at people who don't fit the "natural order", and turned that into a creatively nasty bit of self hatred. It's easy to talk about self hatred; it seems impersonal, removed, at a distance. It's quite another thing to break it down into an active verb construction instead of the safe adjective: I hate myself (or at the very generous, at least parts of myself).

Is that really better or preferable to hating others or the world? Or does it just turn inward, into a self contained, Ourobourean cell of control and bitterness? I'm trying to put down some anger, but this hate is where an immense amount of fury comes from, and it's much trickier to disentangle and make sense of.