I want to live on a balancing rock
Aug. 28th, 2010 12:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiI'm at seven weeks with no intramuscular estrogen, and one week with oral progesterone. It's been an interesting time. Were I a biodeterminist*, I'd say some of the changes I've felt are a result of the androgenic hormones in my system realigning, but I'm not a biodeterminist, so it's a trickier wicket. Profound changes are happening inside me, psychologically and metaphorically. If it wasn't for these changes, I wouldn't have been in a position to change my hormone regimen. I'm not at all sure what can be laid at the feet of psychology, symbology, biology or something else all together.
I've taken breaks from the hormones, particularly the shots, before, though never more than about three or four weeks. For some reason this morning I was reminded of one of the stranger, but more enjoyable, results of going back on the estrogen. For a very short period (usually a week and a half, maybe two at most), my body could not make up its mind, and was seemingly swimming in both androgenic and estrogenic forces, which manifested bodily as being very aware of the swelling of my breasts and the slight repositioning of body fat while simultaneously being very aware of the possibilities of sexual contact, and anticipatory. Internally, it felt like a swelling of potential, a gathering of energy without a clear path for manifestation, a latency, and that point of indeterminacy felt exceedingly comfortable and energizing. I would have liked to live there, I think, but it never lasted; eventually it always seemed like the either/or model (or more accurately, a loosely zero sum model with two poles) would tip, and things would move towards one extreme, even slightly, over the other.
*someone who believes biology is destiny, particularly in relation to sex and gender
I've taken breaks from the hormones, particularly the shots, before, though never more than about three or four weeks. For some reason this morning I was reminded of one of the stranger, but more enjoyable, results of going back on the estrogen. For a very short period (usually a week and a half, maybe two at most), my body could not make up its mind, and was seemingly swimming in both androgenic and estrogenic forces, which manifested bodily as being very aware of the swelling of my breasts and the slight repositioning of body fat while simultaneously being very aware of the possibilities of sexual contact, and anticipatory. Internally, it felt like a swelling of potential, a gathering of energy without a clear path for manifestation, a latency, and that point of indeterminacy felt exceedingly comfortable and energizing. I would have liked to live there, I think, but it never lasted; eventually it always seemed like the either/or model (or more accurately, a loosely zero sum model with two poles) would tip, and things would move towards one extreme, even slightly, over the other.
*someone who believes biology is destiny, particularly in relation to sex and gender
