weird

I seem to have joined the show after some action; there was a school group way, way down south (Austraila or Africa, but I'm not sure), sent to look at whales and fish. Apparently, before I remember, a big honkin' UFO landed on the shore. All the kids, the chaperones, a park ranger type and some government type folks were around, trying to decide what to do, as the aliens had yet to do anything or show themselves. The ship itself looked sort of like the Sydney Opera House, only smaller. White, marble or ceramic-textured, with odd arches and fluting.

Cut to a big indoor pool area (again, with the white contemporary arches; a great sense of openness despite being inside). There was a huge blue whale in the pool, which was all solid ice. People were trying to melt the ice slowly, so as not to harm the whale. There was a sense of urgency to it that didn't make sense at first. This time, I wasn't a government person, but I was definitely involved in the process, maybe even in charge.

There was a slight rhytmnic booming that slowly grew louder; at about the time people in the pool area began to take notice, a military type guy came running in, panicked and talking about danger. Out the windows, I could see big, golden feet and calves, and I knew (I don't know how, but I did) that the aliens had created a huge, human shaped colossus out of energy, and it was coming for the frozen whale. People scattered in a panic, trying to get out of the building. I remember deciding to stand very close to one of the support beams until I knew which way things were moving, so I could run out and not get squished by either the giant energy thing, or falling debris. Once it became clear that the giant android was picking up the whole building, pool and all, in one hand, I ran out the nearest exit. Once I was far enough away (I knew it just wanted the whale/pool), I paused to look around and realized that I was at the edge of an elementary school, just outside the fence (apparently it adjoined the pool).

So, the things that stand out for me: ocean, whales, school aged kids, aliens, airy white contemporary architecture.

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Me, a bottle of beaujolais, Liz Phair and Julianna Hatfield (proxy only), and stereo set to Quite Loud on a rainy night....

(no subject)

I feel stuck lately. I don't feel that I'm making progress, certainly not at a rate I felt I was making it previously, if not actually backsliding. Even when I move, the feeling is of constraint, precision, economy, certainly not expression or freedom. My throat has been tight all week, and I can't help but wonder if it isn't the tab for not speaking in my normal register for years and years finally being collected. I feel the weight of not challenging people's assumptions about what they think I am as, if not betrayal, at least failure on my part, an abandonment of myself. In the attempt to abandon either/or, I lose the easiest way for me to feel not that which I most acutely feel is inaccurate ("girl" as the easiest way to be "notboy"). I understand more and more lately why some make that choice/decision, even if it does go against their political and philosophical stances (not that I can see myself making such a deal; I'm ever one to hold true to theory at the expense of expediency). I need some release, some infusion of energy to break this inertia that I feel so calcified by. I don't know where I need to be, what I need to be doing, I only know that what I'm doing now doesn't seem to be enough, for me.