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many tiny updates
Aug. 25th, 2006 09:05 amI saw a bumper sticker on the way to work yesterday that said "I Love America". Because of the strange formatting, it took me a while to decipher what it said, which means I didn't immediately dismiss the (probable) jingoism. Instead, I found myself thinking, "I don't think I do, but I love the land, and I try to love the people." Interesting.
***
Fairyhead helps me be more sane, by both example and presence. Within an hour of returning home, she had given the kittens and the teenagers free run of the upstairs with the expectation of everything being fine, and announcing it to me as fait accompli. I worried (naturally) about every growl or squeak, but the night went much better than I anticipated, in my crazy kid anxiety.
***
With the help of a few of the closest people, I'm realizing one of the best things about the kittens is my ability to accept with very few caveats the 'mom' label. Being me, I accept it locally and contingently, but I don't feel the need to over-infuse with irony and protective distance. Of course, it helps that small mammals tend to look to me as a source of comfort in general.
***
The air has been soft and cool lately. Yesterday afternoon, I could smell the ocean in it; this morning it was indigenous water. The big, fluffy, grey-white air seems almost solid enough that I could lay my head on it and cry, take the comfort present in it. I used to complain, bitterly, about the inability of the nonhuman world to offer me comfort in human terms. I think I'm getting better at recognizing the comfort offered, and being able to accept it and have it mean something.
***
I'm slowly stopping running from things, I think. I've realized a big part of it has been running from myself. Obviously, that's just stupid, and counterproductive. I think I've stopped, and am catching things out of the corner of my eye, almost playfully. I hope the actual turning to face them head on is soon to follow.
***
Spending all day Tuesday in downtown Decatur has really reinforced the extent to which almost everyone in my office complex in Alpharetta works to look the same, to be of a type. I want to blame this on the conformist impulse in corporate culture, or maybe in people in general where they feel weak (as I suspect most office workers feel; whether this is a byproduct or a goal of the system, I can't yet say). Seeing the signs of fear and intentional flattening makes me sad, and strengthens my resolve not to do it myself.
***
I've been feeling out different metaphors for communication, and I think some combo of radio and telegraph is currently accurate. Radio-wise, I can broadcast all I want, but unless people are capable of receiving, it just doesn't matter. Telegraph-wise, it seems to require more work than just buying a radio; it's more like investing the resources to build infrastructure to receive, like running poles and telegraph lines. Hell, I wish it were as easy as just getting a receiver. In a Dave Lowery influenced moment, I'd buy all the kids on my block radios instead of color TVs*.
*A reference to Cracker's "When I Win the Lottery"
***
Fairyhead helps me be more sane, by both example and presence. Within an hour of returning home, she had given the kittens and the teenagers free run of the upstairs with the expectation of everything being fine, and announcing it to me as fait accompli. I worried (naturally) about every growl or squeak, but the night went much better than I anticipated, in my crazy kid anxiety.
***
With the help of a few of the closest people, I'm realizing one of the best things about the kittens is my ability to accept with very few caveats the 'mom' label. Being me, I accept it locally and contingently, but I don't feel the need to over-infuse with irony and protective distance. Of course, it helps that small mammals tend to look to me as a source of comfort in general.
***
The air has been soft and cool lately. Yesterday afternoon, I could smell the ocean in it; this morning it was indigenous water. The big, fluffy, grey-white air seems almost solid enough that I could lay my head on it and cry, take the comfort present in it. I used to complain, bitterly, about the inability of the nonhuman world to offer me comfort in human terms. I think I'm getting better at recognizing the comfort offered, and being able to accept it and have it mean something.
***
I'm slowly stopping running from things, I think. I've realized a big part of it has been running from myself. Obviously, that's just stupid, and counterproductive. I think I've stopped, and am catching things out of the corner of my eye, almost playfully. I hope the actual turning to face them head on is soon to follow.
***
Spending all day Tuesday in downtown Decatur has really reinforced the extent to which almost everyone in my office complex in Alpharetta works to look the same, to be of a type. I want to blame this on the conformist impulse in corporate culture, or maybe in people in general where they feel weak (as I suspect most office workers feel; whether this is a byproduct or a goal of the system, I can't yet say). Seeing the signs of fear and intentional flattening makes me sad, and strengthens my resolve not to do it myself.
***
I've been feeling out different metaphors for communication, and I think some combo of radio and telegraph is currently accurate. Radio-wise, I can broadcast all I want, but unless people are capable of receiving, it just doesn't matter. Telegraph-wise, it seems to require more work than just buying a radio; it's more like investing the resources to build infrastructure to receive, like running poles and telegraph lines. Hell, I wish it were as easy as just getting a receiver. In a Dave Lowery influenced moment, I'd buy all the kids on my block radios instead of color TVs*.
*A reference to Cracker's "When I Win the Lottery"
