(no subject)

Thanks to vital assistance from arjache, I think I might have laid a harrying demon to rest last night: I'm not transphobic because I don't want to be taken for a transsexual. I want more gender flexibility and choices available for everyone, not to limit the choices of anyone, including myself.

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For just about as long as I've known or been aware of you, the two things that stood out were enthusiasm and insecurity. Over the years, the former hasn't really diminished, but it does sometimes get dampened by the latter. It often seemed like you were looking for some solidity, some strength external to yourself. I'm honestly not sure you'll ever find it there. There have been fits and starts where it looks like you're starting to find something in yourself, and to external eyes it looks like these periods are getting closer together. I wonder what would happen if you found what you're looking for and found a way to let that enthusiasm flow freely?

on why*

I don't want to be devoured and dismissed by the structures that I know are insufficient to contain me, but are the only structures many will have to use to contain the idea or real presence of me. It's not that I'm locked in mortal combat with this construction; I'm just fighting where I encounter it, and only want to be free. More and more, I become aware that I'm not just "not that", but that really I am "something else", even if at times "something else" is a nebulous marker and place holder for meaning not able to be articulated yet.

I will never be wholly free. It's my hope that I'll find a way to be free enough, and that it will be enough. I don't think my hopes/plans/dreams are contingent on an imagined post-structure utopia, and I work daily to not surrender to observational defeatism. I don't see models that are useful to me, but I'm trying to see similarity, even when and where others resist. It's hard, and I will continue to rant and whine, but I don't want to be frozen in place.



*Why it's so important to me that I not be taken for transsexual.