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Oct. 18th, 2006 10:37 amThere’s this feeling I’ve known for most of my life, since about five (Thinking about that now, it makes me wonder if some split or dissociation happened that just got wound around gender, rather than it being gender itself. Still, gender is where I experience it now, so it’s where I feel I have to focus the attention.); there’s something between me and … just about everything else. It’s ebbed and flowed at different points of my life, but it’s never been wholly absent, this feeling that I can’t quite connect, that things are fleeting, temporary, not worth the effort because they aren’t fully connecting to me.
It happens with people; if they like me, it doesn’t really matter much/can’t be trusted because it’s not really me they like, it’s just some shell devoid of much substance. It happened with serious engagement with college; there was no point in beginning to create a name for myself, because it wouldn’t really be for me, but for the façade (and I didn’t/couldn’t write about what I cared about, because it would expose me). It happens with work; there’s no point in trying to engage more, or work for advancement, because that would only strengthen connection via the surface, would encourage others to take the surface for substance.
I say I don’t believe in an essential self, and this feels true for me. The question then arises, how do I reconcile that with the above paragraph? Honestly, I’m not sure. I am inclined to think that, despite it not being essential, there’s some aspect of my self that I can’t express, or have recognized, and this seems a necessary part of what it takes to feel more connected. It usually feels worse in that it looks like I’m missing something that other people can connect through, but I’m not sure if that’s a legitimate issue or a red herring.
This is more prominently on my mind because of the issues surrounding national coming out day and my inability to be “out” despite a strong desire to be, and the issues surrounding my endocrinological efforts and their consequences. I’ve written about the former here; not much has changed in a week, so I won’t repeat myself on that just yet. The latter, though, is… troubling, and I can’t get out from under it.
I’ve wanted what most would consider a more “feminine” body. I’ve been on oral hormones for about two years; one year of it not under medical supervision, and one supervised. At the recommendation of my endocrinologist, we’re switching to intramuscular estrogen in an attempt to get more of the changes I’m looking for. The problem is that while I’m actively pursuing something I want, the (potential) social consequences are very difficult for me to face, so… I ignore the changes, even though I want them, even though I’m actively trying to achieve them.
As I alluded to yesterday in this post, it’s important to try not to be taken for a transsexual. I’m not sure yesterday’s reasons are all that’s in play, though those remain very important. It’s as though the structure that I hate has its hooks into me, such that no matter what I do, I’ll always be trapped in it. Part, I’m afraid, of what’s bothering me is the issue of being “insufficient”, “a poor copy”, or “not quite real” through the eyes of others. Ideally, the opinion of others should not matter, but I don’t live in the ideal world, and I don’t know how to just ignore it all. What’s worse is that I can’t seem to get the anticipated perception of others out of my own mind; I’m colonized by an oppressive system, such that I oppress myself. I can see it, I hate it, but I don’t know how to stop it. While well meaning, the suggestion to do just that doesn’t help, because I don’t know how.
I’ve been trying, a lot and increasingly lately, to see commonalities and not just differences, but this has been a bit of a double edged sword. While it’s true that most people I’m aware of don’t experience the constrictions of gender the way or to the degree that I do, what flows from that is, I think, more universal. I’m afraid of rejection, of alienation, of being cast out and alone, and I think that’s something most people can relate to. Unfortunately, it seems like the focus remains on the specifics of my circumstances and not the shared experience and fears that result from them, which leaves me feeling even more frustrated, alone, and in some cases, simply not heard. I have in the past solely focused on difference, and that gets me nowhere except deeper and deeper in a hole that I can describe in great detail; I don’t want to only focus on commonalities, because that would erase real, on the ground realities I have to face; I can’t help thinking that a workable answer relies on being cognizant of both, but I’m often afraid that, as my specifics aren’t shared by many, that the urge to help and connect will only focus on overlap, leaving me feeling, again, smoothed over or not heard.
I don’t have answers, obviously, and lately have only more questions. Ask them with me, look for answers with me, if you like; the company will be welcome.
It happens with people; if they like me, it doesn’t really matter much/can’t be trusted because it’s not really me they like, it’s just some shell devoid of much substance. It happened with serious engagement with college; there was no point in beginning to create a name for myself, because it wouldn’t really be for me, but for the façade (and I didn’t/couldn’t write about what I cared about, because it would expose me). It happens with work; there’s no point in trying to engage more, or work for advancement, because that would only strengthen connection via the surface, would encourage others to take the surface for substance.
I say I don’t believe in an essential self, and this feels true for me. The question then arises, how do I reconcile that with the above paragraph? Honestly, I’m not sure. I am inclined to think that, despite it not being essential, there’s some aspect of my self that I can’t express, or have recognized, and this seems a necessary part of what it takes to feel more connected. It usually feels worse in that it looks like I’m missing something that other people can connect through, but I’m not sure if that’s a legitimate issue or a red herring.
This is more prominently on my mind because of the issues surrounding national coming out day and my inability to be “out” despite a strong desire to be, and the issues surrounding my endocrinological efforts and their consequences. I’ve written about the former here; not much has changed in a week, so I won’t repeat myself on that just yet. The latter, though, is… troubling, and I can’t get out from under it.
I’ve wanted what most would consider a more “feminine” body. I’ve been on oral hormones for about two years; one year of it not under medical supervision, and one supervised. At the recommendation of my endocrinologist, we’re switching to intramuscular estrogen in an attempt to get more of the changes I’m looking for. The problem is that while I’m actively pursuing something I want, the (potential) social consequences are very difficult for me to face, so… I ignore the changes, even though I want them, even though I’m actively trying to achieve them.
As I alluded to yesterday in this post, it’s important to try not to be taken for a transsexual. I’m not sure yesterday’s reasons are all that’s in play, though those remain very important. It’s as though the structure that I hate has its hooks into me, such that no matter what I do, I’ll always be trapped in it. Part, I’m afraid, of what’s bothering me is the issue of being “insufficient”, “a poor copy”, or “not quite real” through the eyes of others. Ideally, the opinion of others should not matter, but I don’t live in the ideal world, and I don’t know how to just ignore it all. What’s worse is that I can’t seem to get the anticipated perception of others out of my own mind; I’m colonized by an oppressive system, such that I oppress myself. I can see it, I hate it, but I don’t know how to stop it. While well meaning, the suggestion to do just that doesn’t help, because I don’t know how.
I’ve been trying, a lot and increasingly lately, to see commonalities and not just differences, but this has been a bit of a double edged sword. While it’s true that most people I’m aware of don’t experience the constrictions of gender the way or to the degree that I do, what flows from that is, I think, more universal. I’m afraid of rejection, of alienation, of being cast out and alone, and I think that’s something most people can relate to. Unfortunately, it seems like the focus remains on the specifics of my circumstances and not the shared experience and fears that result from them, which leaves me feeling even more frustrated, alone, and in some cases, simply not heard. I have in the past solely focused on difference, and that gets me nowhere except deeper and deeper in a hole that I can describe in great detail; I don’t want to only focus on commonalities, because that would erase real, on the ground realities I have to face; I can’t help thinking that a workable answer relies on being cognizant of both, but I’m often afraid that, as my specifics aren’t shared by many, that the urge to help and connect will only focus on overlap, leaving me feeling, again, smoothed over or not heard.
I don’t have answers, obviously, and lately have only more questions. Ask them with me, look for answers with me, if you like; the company will be welcome.
