(no subject)

I have no confidence alone, but my observation has gotten better, no longer overwhelmed by the neuroses that used to block out the sun; now they're more like clouds that filter. But give me solidity to which I can tether, and confidence returns, fueled by the observational harvest. Suspend both in solvent, and alchemy has the chance of happening, notable, if not actually decadent, when potential is dismissed out of hand.



I want words to be better. At least if I had an oral fixation, rather than lexicological, there would be some positive use.

on my mind

Why does retracing one's steps, backtracking, feel more like failure than common sense?

I experience myself as tightly wound, holding a lot of anger very close so it doesn't leak out. I've come to understand that others experience me as very angry, much of the time.

I wrote in answer to a questionnaire recently, "My guilt and my pleasures are mutually exclusive." I worry that I'm given too much credit by inference; what I mean is that the latter is removed from the former, not the other way around, quite often to my own detriment. I want to undo that, and have no idea how to start.

I don't like social anxiety. I understand why many people smoke to mask it, but I don't want to do that. Besides, I don't think ease or courage comes in any commercially available cigarette.

I spent the majority of my afternoon sitting outside in the sun, reading and writing. The time without speaking or human interaction was very nice. I need to do more of that.