(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

It's been pointed out to me that I'm not terribly accessible, terribly clear, even when I think I'm making extraordinary efforts towards greater openness and digestibility. I should remember this. I know I've known it in the past.

I'm doing worse lately than I've done in years, probably many. It snuck up on me this time, and I still haven't worked out the whats and the whys. I'm not sure I ever will, and maybe a focus on point of origin misses the point and maybe the opportunity. In the midst of all the feelings of loss, abondonment, alienation, anger and sadness, there's this growing feeling that things are opening up.... for something, what I don't know. It's like a moment of clarity is coming, but I'm not sure I want it, and am maybe afraid of what might become clear. I dont' want to believe knowledge can be damaging in and of itself, but I'm afraid maybe it can, maybe it will.

I feel like I'm losing my ability to interact with the world through following ideas, impulses, through to what seems like their logical conclusions. I seem to move further and further from common experience, though that could just be my perception. It makes even the simplest kind of communication almost impossible, or so hollow and empty of meaning as to be cotton candy nourishment, a shape and a form containing nothing.

I worry that this is what crazy might start out looking like. The camera effect in which what's in center frame remains centered, but everything else suddenly recedes: that's what it feels like. The things I have grown to count on seem out of reach but still present, more sisyphean than I can bear easily. I'm missing something, somewhere, some how, but I don't know what and I don't know how to get it back, much less get better.

Comments

[laughingwoman.livejournal.com]

i really don't think that this is the beginning of crazy. i think you are weary of mankind, of your questions, of what you do to get through your days.

a self-imposed solitudinal sabbatical would be highly in order for you. where you don't make yourself "do" anything or "go" anywhere necessarily, but where you put up high boundaries and be quiet and still and shut out everything which impinges upon you for a time. it sounds like i'm advocating a vacation of avoidance, but it's not that really. more like the healing powers of hermiting...

[adrienmundi]

There is a certain appeal to spending an entire day moving from coffee house to restaraunt to park to bar, surrounded by people without having to interact with them, reading and maybe even writing in a strangely social solitude. Figuring out how to have such a day, and how to overcome the inertia around leaving my house, is all that stands in my way.

[celticmoni.livejournal.com]

I would vote that you play hooky from work for a day and do just that. :)

That was, actually, one of my favorite activities before my life got so crazy.

...

What I like even more, is spending time in physical proximity with someone with whom interaction isn't required for the time spent together to be fulfilling.