(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

Lately I feel like there are many attempts at communication, at transmissions of meaning, but I'm just missing it all somehow. I try, but I don't understand, and it makes me despair.



For probably a long time now, I've been very focused on trying to make things right, or more right, for myself. Sometimes, this can probably look like being blind to others, or at the very least not taking proper note. The intent has been to hopefully be able to make things right for others by making things right for myself first. I mean this more than the old Bobby Darin line, "You can't please anyone until you please yourself", though I suspect that's true as well. It's been far too easy to use proximity to others as something with which to beat myself because I'm uncertain of my own place in the world, amongst them. It's easy to dismiss relationships, or kindnesses or offers of aid, with things like, "Oh, sure, they like you now, but if/when there comes a social discomfort in knowing you publicly, it won't be there; don't count on them/know it's all contingent on not shaking the boat". That's not to intentionally diminish what people offer, but it's a mean spirited method of self doubt, if not actual self hatred. The problem is, I'm not sure it's working, this undertaking. I don't feel particularly close to knowing how to live, and I don't feel like I'm capable of exerting any force directly or efficiently, for myself or for others.

Comments

[anansi133.livejournal.com]

When I read this post, it made me think of my own (frequent) experience of 'failure to communicate'. Lately, it's seemed important to be clear that communication has not in fact occured. Doesn't make me very popular with people, but I have less weight on my conscience.

Occasionally, I do encounter playful spirits who don't hold my inarticulation against me. If they are respectful in their overtures, and imaginative in their listening, we get to have a kind of intimacy that feels absolutely safe, whether it's a board game, an internet text exchange, or a physical hug.

Though few and far between, I find it doesn't take much of this to take me a good long way.

[adrienmundi]

playful spirits
Accidental choice of words? I have a hard time, sometimes, discerning intended metaphor from phor.

I (stupidly) value random interactions with people, being seen for a second by a stranger and actually recognized as a human being. There's something to be in the midst of a mass and being ... present, that means something to me. I worry that there are forces afoot which will, or could, encourage a sort of removal from that, for a variety of reasons.

[laughingwoman.livejournal.com]

i hope you worry less about things you can't control, namely, worrying about what you think other people are thinking. that said, i also hope that your self-doubt/self-hate does not infect your capacity to receive friendship, overtures, camraderie and communion with those who value you and your being in this world. and that lastly, you are always able to discern the above from those who might act in ways which you described as fearing. and for those hapless souls, fuck 'em.

[adrienmundi]

Please rest assured, some gets through. Thank you.