breaking character
Dec. 29th, 2009 09:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundik_navit recently asked me why I bothered to retain any contact with my family when they treat me so poorly and appear to offer little I value. It was a good question, and one I've considered myself frequently over the years. My answer, and the answer I gave her in person, is that if there is to be an end to things with them, I don't want it to be because things have been allowed to drift and slowly fade; if there is to be an end, I want it to be because I ended it, said what I need to say and then walked away.
That's been my reason for years now, and I meant it, or at least thought I did. I probably did. But after this last time, even though it was way better than many previous family engagements, I'm not sure I can do it any more. I'm not sure I have it in me to sit politely while my requests and preferences are either ignored or forgotten, trumped by laziness or possibly the fear of being socially uncomfortable. I'm tired of being the unspoken secret, assuming anyone bothers to remember. I'm tired of giving even tacit support to the idea that these are my people, my place, where I belong. If this and all previous engagements are any indication, they're not my people, and it is no longer my place to beg for scraps from them.
It sounds like my mind is made up, doesn't it? And it's probably closer than I've ever been. But instead of feeling triumphant, or even righteously indignant, I feel... scared. Sad, hollow, bereft. It feels like I'm on the threshold of truly being outcast, of truly being alien from the one place we're all supposed to be able to go when chips are down. It doesn't matter that it's not true for a lot of people, or that it hasn't been true for me for a long, long time; what matters is that at the moment I'm prepared to walk away, I suddenly have a new take on what it is I'm dangerously close to leaving.
They won't understand. Honestly, I don't think many people will. It will be taken as me doing the rejecting, not finally dealing with the conditional rejection I've gotten all along. That bothers me, but I think I can learn to live with it. What really bothers me, though, is that I'll be pulling back the curtain, exposing the story of family as a place of belonging, of open doors and a place by the fire, as a story, and that, I fear, will be the unforgivable sin, not just with my family, but with anyone else who still partakes in that story. I worry that I'll become even more alienated for speaking the unspeakable, and that is a hard, bitter burden to pick up when it already feels like I'm carrying way, way more alienation than is my share.
But, I don't think I can do this much longer.
That's been my reason for years now, and I meant it, or at least thought I did. I probably did. But after this last time, even though it was way better than many previous family engagements, I'm not sure I can do it any more. I'm not sure I have it in me to sit politely while my requests and preferences are either ignored or forgotten, trumped by laziness or possibly the fear of being socially uncomfortable. I'm tired of being the unspoken secret, assuming anyone bothers to remember. I'm tired of giving even tacit support to the idea that these are my people, my place, where I belong. If this and all previous engagements are any indication, they're not my people, and it is no longer my place to beg for scraps from them.
It sounds like my mind is made up, doesn't it? And it's probably closer than I've ever been. But instead of feeling triumphant, or even righteously indignant, I feel... scared. Sad, hollow, bereft. It feels like I'm on the threshold of truly being outcast, of truly being alien from the one place we're all supposed to be able to go when chips are down. It doesn't matter that it's not true for a lot of people, or that it hasn't been true for me for a long, long time; what matters is that at the moment I'm prepared to walk away, I suddenly have a new take on what it is I'm dangerously close to leaving.
They won't understand. Honestly, I don't think many people will. It will be taken as me doing the rejecting, not finally dealing with the conditional rejection I've gotten all along. That bothers me, but I think I can learn to live with it. What really bothers me, though, is that I'll be pulling back the curtain, exposing the story of family as a place of belonging, of open doors and a place by the fire, as a story, and that, I fear, will be the unforgivable sin, not just with my family, but with anyone else who still partakes in that story. I worry that I'll become even more alienated for speaking the unspeakable, and that is a hard, bitter burden to pick up when it already feels like I'm carrying way, way more alienation than is my share.
But, I don't think I can do this much longer.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-30 04:12 pm (UTC)1. There are many folks who don't keep contact with their families.
2. There are other folks like me who walked away, then came back. I don't think that your decision has to be irrevocable.
3. I may 'fit in' with my family, but that is *not* any kind of safe haven for me. Remember that I go see my therapist before traveling to see family. Anything that requires some head shrinking before participating can't be safe.
4. You've got non-blood family that love you. We love you specifically because you are you and aren't going anywhere. Period. You've been judged and found worthy, warts and all.
no subject
Date: 2010-01-01 11:41 pm (UTC)I think one of my biggest fears is that I feel the need to have some communication around this with both my mom and my dad, and I worry about the specifics. I don't want it to seem like I'm punishing them or trying to hurt them while at the same time sticking to saying what I need to say and not letting it turn into something all about them and their feelings. I'm not after ultimata, but don't trust that I can make it clear that this is something I need to do for myself and not some attempt at control. I also don't trust myself not to get hurt, and to react with anger, at which point I am more likely to be intentionally hurtful.