breaking character

[adrienmundi]

k_navit recently asked me why I bothered to retain any contact with my family when they treat me so poorly and appear to offer little I value. It was a good question, and one I've considered myself frequently over the years. My answer, and the answer I gave her in person, is that if there is to be an end to things with them, I don't want it to be because things have been allowed to drift and slowly fade; if there is to be an end, I want it to be because I ended it, said what I need to say and then walked away.

That's been my reason for years now, and I meant it, or at least thought I did. I probably did. But after this last time, even though it was way better than many previous family engagements, I'm not sure I can do it any more. I'm not sure I have it in me to sit politely while my requests and preferences are either ignored or forgotten, trumped by laziness or possibly the fear of being socially uncomfortable. I'm tired of being the unspoken secret, assuming anyone bothers to remember. I'm tired of giving even tacit support to the idea that these are my people, my place, where I belong. If this and all previous engagements are any indication, they're not my people, and it is no longer my place to beg for scraps from them.

It sounds like my mind is made up, doesn't it? And it's probably closer than I've ever been. But instead of feeling triumphant, or even righteously indignant, I feel... scared. Sad, hollow, bereft. It feels like I'm on the threshold of truly being outcast, of truly being alien from the one place we're all supposed to be able to go when chips are down. It doesn't matter that it's not true for a lot of people, or that it hasn't been true for me for a long, long time; what matters is that at the moment I'm prepared to walk away, I suddenly have a new take on what it is I'm dangerously close to leaving.

They won't understand. Honestly, I don't think many people will. It will be taken as me doing the rejecting, not finally dealing with the conditional rejection I've gotten all along. That bothers me, but I think I can learn to live with it. What really bothers me, though, is that I'll be pulling back the curtain, exposing the story of family as a place of belonging, of open doors and a place by the fire, as a story, and that, I fear, will be the unforgivable sin, not just with my family, but with anyone else who still partakes in that story. I worry that I'll become even more alienated for speaking the unspeakable, and that is a hard, bitter burden to pick up when it already feels like I'm carrying way, way more alienation than is my share.

But, I don't think I can do this much longer.

Comments

[fairyhead.livejournal.com]

Well, you know my feelings on this, but I'm going to go ahead and say it again.

1. There are many folks who don't keep contact with their families.
2. There are other folks like me who walked away, then came back. I don't think that your decision has to be irrevocable.
3. I may 'fit in' with my family, but that is *not* any kind of safe haven for me. Remember that I go see my therapist before traveling to see family. Anything that requires some head shrinking before participating can't be safe.
4. You've got non-blood family that love you. We love you specifically because you are you and aren't going anywhere. Period. You've been judged and found worthy, warts and all.

[adrienmundi]

I know,and thanks for taking the time to reiterate it. I'm hoping over time it will feel less terrifying.

I think one of my biggest fears is that I feel the need to have some communication around this with both my mom and my dad, and I worry about the specifics. I don't want it to seem like I'm punishing them or trying to hurt them while at the same time sticking to saying what I need to say and not letting it turn into something all about them and their feelings. I'm not after ultimata, but don't trust that I can make it clear that this is something I need to do for myself and not some attempt at control. I also don't trust myself not to get hurt, and to react with anger, at which point I am more likely to be intentionally hurtful.

[champignon.livejournal.com]

But instead of feeling triumphant, or even righteously indignant, I feel... scared. Sad, hollow, bereft.

Yes. That. There is a feeling of being-alone and lack that I think is rather incomprehensible to people who have not lost their families or faced cutting off contact with their families. I think deciding to do it may be worse in some ways than having time/tragedy do it for you. *You* can make mistakes and have regrets and you may second-guess yourself. You have to deal with the enforced importance of family and what people think about people who cut off family ties. You tend to lose whole chunks of family at a time when you cut off ties. They aren't dead; they are still having lives and that means you can wonder or worry about what they are doing, what they think of you, etc. They are still doing things and if you hear about them, you can feel like you are missing out. I never felt like I was "missing out" when I opted not to go "home" for Thanksgiving (which I haven't done in 6 years). This year, though, I learned my mom's whole side of the family was gathering... from my dad. It wasn't like my mom told me about it and I declined. I was relieved to not have to go or feel guilt about declining, but at the same time I felt a kind of invisibility and unimportance I never felt before.

It is very strange, and yet it makes sense. It is very unpleasant.

In my book, your relationship with family or lack thereof is no one else's business. Since July I've met a good number of new people, and finally had real conversations people who had been acquaintances. When family comes up (and it does), I have said "I am not in contact with my family right now." They don't need to know for how long this has been the case, whose choice it was, or if it is temporary or permanent. So far EVERYONE has taken that in stride, and the conversation has flowed on. No one asks why. I think they assume it is related to something quite hurtful, and so don't poke at it.

I'm not sure what kind of people you are talking about feeling alienated from, but I really think most people are aware that story is a myth---that family can be the opposite of what it "should" be. People have to know, given (a) the stats on child abuse and domestic violence, (b) the familiar stories of people being disowned for coming out, marrying someone of the "wrong" race/religion/hair color/whatever, and all kinds of other ridiculous stuff, (c) and the kinds of not-as-drastic family-related nastiness that is reflected in movies/tv/etc.

Clearly, some people think that the only good response to awful family stuff is to keep excusing it, going back to it, putting up with it. I have not met many of these people. And if I have, they keep it to themselves.

Ok, that was longer than I expected it to go, but yes, you are thinking about a very difficult decision that relatively few people actually have to make. Everyone I've talked to who has cut off family, permanently or temporarily, describes this kind of fear/sadness. You definitely aren't alone or somehow weak because you don't feel triumphant (I felt kind of pathetic at how sad I got).

I think it is grief. It isn't a decision that gets made lightly. If you decide to cut ties, you are letting go of your last tattered shred of hope/belief in the "happy family" story yourself, and admitting to yourself that you are NEVER going to have that, never going to feel that. I thought I knew this, but when you make this decision, you suddenly know it at a very different, cellular level. You experience Loss. And that is what grief is for working through.

[adrienmundi]

I think that's exactly it, the point you made in your last paragraph; if I say what I need to say, take the action I need to take for myself, it removes the last ridiculous hope that I might have a "normal happy family" sort of connection. And I think the reason I worry so much about the possible perception that it would be all my fault is because that's the story being told, about me and about others who don't fit in for whatever reason; the problem is them for being different, not with the unkind and unfair ways others deal with difference when they encounter it.

Thanks for the lengthy response. It does help diminish the feeling of isolation and alienation.